An Imagined Dialogue Between Superhero Roommates

Batman: Um, dude?

Robin: Yeah?

Batman: There was a hair on the soap.

Robin: Hm.

Batman: ‘Hm?’ That’s it? It’s gross. How did it get there?

Robin: How would I know? I mean, probably the usual way.

Batman: What is the usual way? I don’t know what that is. See, I use a washcloth. I put soap on the washcloth, then I wash myself with it. That way, there is relatively little scope for pube-to-soap contact.

Robin: First of all, do you think that pubes don’t get on the washcloth? Where they are in prime position for soap contact? And also, what makes you so sure it’s a pube, and not say, a leg hair? Or an arm hair?

Batman: Well, the washcloth is a middleman — you can rinse it off. That way there’s no direct soap contact except with your hands. Also, it might not be a pube I guess. It was kind of straight.

Robin: Oh. Well my pubes are straight, so you may be right.

Batman: Anyway, my point was — straight pubes? You’re disgusting. My point was if you use a washcloth, it will keep hairs off the soap.

Robin: That’s not how I do it.

Batman: So what, you just soap up your hands?

Robin: No, I run the bar of soap all over.
Batman: Eew! Jesus, that’s — I’m gonna be sick now, thanks.

Robin: What? That’s how I do it!

Batman: You just rub it all over yourself? The same soap I use? Jesus.

Robin: Yes! Of course. That’s how everyone does it.

Batman: Really, how do you know that? Have you been asking people about their soaping habits? That’s not how I do it, because I’m not completely disgusting. Wait… so then, how do you clean your ass?

Robin: I just, you know, kind of swipe it through there.

Batman: Swipe it? You swipe it?

Robin: Right through my ass crack. Like a credit card, yeah.

Batman: Oh. Oh. Yeah. Well, that’s just fine I WASH MY FACE WITH THAT!

Robin: No you don’t. You use a washcloth!

Batman: You’re sick, dude.

Robin: It’s SOAP! What do you want me to do, clean off the soap? How do you clean soap?

Batman: How about just not jamming the soap I wash my face with up your ass? ‘How do you clean soap?’ Who are you now, Seinfeld?

Robin: I don’t jam it, I swipe it. Steven Wright.

Batman: Whatever, that’s disgusting. You’re right, I think that was an actual Steven Wright joke.

Robin: Plus, after I swipe it, it probably gets clean again when I use it to clean my balls.

Batman: Jesus, dude! Who are you? Are you some kind of sociopath? Are you trying to freak me out right now? Just stop!

Robin: Yessir, I bet that rubbing the soap all over my sack gets it nice and clean!

Batman: Gah, shut UP!

Robin: My method is standard. I bet Ryan Seacrest uses the swipe method. Beyoncé probably swipes. Maybe you’re the one with the atypical washing methodology. Did you think of that?

Batman: I think you need to move out.