What I Needed

by New Romantics

You make me feel like I’m not good enough.

Not pretty enough to earn your attention.

Not funny enough to make you laugh.

Not engaging enough to entice you to call me.

Not interesting enough to make you remember me.

Not enough to make you want me.

And that hurts.

It breaks my self-esteem.

It brings out deep-rooted insecurities that I keep locked away.

It drowns my mind in a million thoughts, distracting and confusing me throughout the day.

It brings me to tears.

And that angers me.

Why am I shedding tears in your name when you can barely remember mine enough to call me?

Why am I trying to keep the idea of “us” moving forward when you only seem to care about, well, you?

Why am I falling apart when you’re coasting, if not climbing upward, oblivious to my pain?

I distract myself.

I make excuses for you.

I shut down my negative thoughts.

“I have a lot going on. I’m busy too,” I tell myself.

“He’s trying. He cares. He’s just busy,” I console myself.

“I’m being unreasonable. It’s too early to have expectations,” I remind myself.

But wait — my expectations are not of my own volition.

I did not make up our conversations.

I did not extrapolate far-fetched meanings.

You said those words.

You brought up those ideas.

You set up those expectations.

And I believed you.

For the first time in a long time, I had hope.

Hope for something more, something real, something meaningful.

Because that’s what I felt we were starting to have.

Did I imagine it?

Because you don’t call.

You barely text.

You don’t seem to care at all.

So what do I do?

Do I give up and ghost you?

But I don’t want to end things without closure.

Do I confront you and ask what changed?

But I don’t want to be that girl — the “needy,” overly emotional girl.

Do I pretend nothing is wrong and go along as though I’m fine?

But I can’t do that. I can’t pretend. It hurts too much to pretend.

Bitterness, resentment and frustration are the silent killer of relationships, and I’m no murderer.

I can’t hold the pain in anymore. I need to let go.

I need to focus on the good and move on.

You may be too busy for me.

You may not like me enough to want to keep me.

You may just not be the right guy for me.

But you are a great guy.

You’re smart, kind, hardworking and fun.

You’re driven, yet humble.

You don’t cloud your judgement by the noise of everyone’s voices and opinions.

You listen to yourself.

You make time for yourself.

You go after what you want.

You achieve your goals, but never forget your roots.

You inspire me to do the same.

I’ll always respect this about you.

A wise person once told me, sometimes people don’t come into your life forever. Sometimes God sends people into your life at certain times because that’s exactly when you needed them.

You were exactly what I needed.

I hope you find what you need.

About the Author:

An anonymous contributor, New Romantics is a 20-something Muslim America paving her way through corporate America while secretly wondering if she could make a living as an ice cream taste tester. She writes to capture and reflect on the moments that fall in between the craziness of work, family and friends, but still leave a meaningful impact on her journey through life: amomentofmeaning.wordpress.com

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