When I Moved On
I thought I would write an update on how everything is going since my last post from this summer. In that post, I said I was in the process of moving on and that I was working on accepting what had happened with the guy I loved. While that was the truth, I definitely struggled to move on. Seeing him was harder than I’d expected. The first time I saw him this semester, I panicked. I couldn’t decide if I should ignore him or just say hi and walk away. Luckily for me, he made the decision for me.
He saw me walking and called me over. We talked, it was casual, catching up each other on our summers as if we both hadn’t tried to ignore the other. I walked away feeling better about our situation, knowing that I wouldn’t have to ignore him and that I could handle it. But things didn’t get better after that. We didn’t speak for an entire month. He had mentioned catching up over lunch, yet never made an effort to follow through. I spent the next month obsessing over when I would hear from him and if I should just text him. I had plenty of distractions, yet he was still always on my mind. I couldn’t shake him.
Being around him wasn’t easy, but when I did see him, it wasn’t for long. No longer did we have the same friends. He had distanced himself from us and had become a completely new person. The worst part was that no matter how hard it was for me to accept it, I did. I worked so hard to become a more open person. I didn’t want to be that uptight person that continued to push people away. I worked on myself, I told myself that this is who he may be now, but it doesn’t change who he was. He’s still the same compassionate person I’ve always loved. His lifestyle may be different, but he isn’t. Becoming as open as I did, I experienced new things and people that I never would have before. I said yes more, I put myself out there, and experienced more of life. Even though I initially may have done this so maybe I could fix things with him, it ended up making me a better person. I saw myself becoming friends with people I never would have in the past. I became less judgemental and more understanding. Others noticed too and people opened up to me even more than before, telling me things they didn’t tell anyone.
He didn’t want anything to do with me. He still doesn’t. No matter, how much I changed and accepted it doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t want me. I’d finally accepted that we would never be together. I put myself out there. I tried to fix our relationship as best I could. I gave him the space he needed. I didn’t talk to him for months, but I still would every now and then check up on him. By the end, I couldn’t handle it. I cracked. I send him a message telling him how I felt. How things had gotten weird and all I wanted was us to be friends again. He never replied. But when he saw me he continued to act like everything was okay when it wasn’t.
For some reason, I decided it would be a good idea to see him one last time. So I did. He told me all about his future plans without even asking me once about mine. I brought up old memories, like how he had visited me last year even though he’d been busy. It meant a lot to me and I still remembered the details of that night. But when I reminded him, he didn’t remember. In fact, he told me he had no recollection of that night. That was when it struck me. I can’t keep hurting myself for someone who doesn’t even care. What we had is gone now. I spent the last year mending my broken heart, but kept reopening the wound so it never really healed.
To be honest, as miserable as I felt about him, I don’t think I had been that happy in a really long time. It just took me so long to realize it. I did have my moments of weakness where I would break down crying. But for the most part, those months where he was barely in my life, I was happy. I still haven’t really comprehended everything I’ve been through, but that’s okay. We shared our lives for a little bit, bringing each other joy and happiness, but in the end, it was just pain. We both changed, but that’s what people do; we’re constantly evolving with every experience we live through. I think that in the end we outgrew each other. We were young when we met but the older we got I realized that we’re both taking two different paths. Even though this may be the case, I will always care for him. I’ll always carry a piece of him with me. I know years from now I will wonder how he is and hope he’s well.
About the Author:
Muslimcollegegirl is a hopeless romantic and avid reader from the Northeast. Her ideal date is good conversation over even better chai. Even with her bad experiences, she hasn’t given up on love and looks forward to meeting “the one.”