Five Things That Make No Sense in This Verizon Newsletter Email I Just Received

  1. The subject line (part 1).

I am not my last name.

2. The subject line (part 2).

Um, why exactly are you — my phone company — encouraging me to “find fitness inspiration,” anyway? Just let me text my wife and read stupid internet articles, okay?

3. The subject line (part 3).

Okay, Verizon. Let’s talk about your grammar here for a quick sec. You’re telling me I can find inspiration “from” my pet in this month’s newsletter. So did you hire my dog as a freelance writer or part-time developer? Did he write an inspiring blog post, or code and deploy a new fitness-tracking app?

What did he do that’s so inspiring?! I srsly cannot wait to receive fitness inspiration from Otis in this newsletter!

4. This is what happens when you open it up.

Okay, sure. I get it. GIFs are cool. And granted, this dog-running-right-at-my-face GIF really is mesmerizing. But what exactly does this have to do with my phone, Verizon? I don’t see anything having anything to do with “mobile tech” anywhere here…

5. Okay, whatever. You’re expanding your platform. You’re being aspirational, making an emotional connection with your users by using beach exercise imagery. You want to engage your customers with more apps and encourage healthier living. So, sure, this is a trending market, and you’d like to capture some of that energy and connect your service with the idea of healthy activity — there’s no fault in that. I could even say it’s admirable for you to be pushing this. All that said! This headline is lazy writing at its worst.

Here’s an idea! Let’s take the most cliché phrase about dogs and just throw in something about being a “workout buddy.” Boom. Done. Oh, but let’s be sure it says “man’s” best there. Yeah, it’s important that we adhere to the old male-centric worldview while we’re at it.

And… SEND.