Why can’t You see me?
Just few moments before waking up the morning, a shadow wandered the room; I don’t believe in ghosts, so I thought It could be just a fairytale I’ve read that turned out to be a lucid dream.
The shadow wandering before me had no form and no gender; I almost assumed they had no identity, just some random thought -to which I was subject of real influence- manifesting itself to me.
I let go, but the moment I got up, the unknown walked fast right to me until I forgot the names, then went back to nowhere as if nothing has happened; The sort of emotional chaos as memories come and go in the mind of a drunk heart and as I look for more ridiculous reasons to be depressed for so, that I can cry more.
The confusion it made me feel was exactly the same I felt the first time I realized that I was born with no options.
I don’t remember being born. I merged fast from a clit in my mother’s stomach 7 months after her celebrating pregnancy, that is how I knew I couldn’t stand not being noticed.
Few years after then, I was able to speak, so to ask those who surrounded me why they couldn’t see me all this time, but nobody has ever answered my question, later on I got whispered in ears signs I couldn’t figure out.
The unknown was one of the signs, a deep insight of life, death and what is in between, probably death was the wrong word since I had never put too much effort into living because life was happening anyways and I was the penny rolling up, undergoing the physical forces in a wide universe of probabilities.
The unknown also took a knife from the kitchen, pierced a novel near my bed and made a cut. The book carried a picture of mine I used to mark pages.
I witnessed every dimension of life beyond height, width, depth and time, and put all my nerve to gently ask questions:
Who are you?
Why did you show up in my life all of a sudden?
You are the formless, why are you so vulnerable?
I wasn’t expecting answers, but after a moment of silent despair I heard a voice too much like mine. In that moment every dimension fell apart; I ran through time trying to escape, but the space had a very powerful hold on me.
Nothing else ever seems to hurt like this, that who I thought was fictive, was a part of me, the child who dried every tear and got tired of asking the same question 19 years ago:
Why can’t t you see Me?
Rest in peace my true love.