My Date with Ashley Madison

She’s a Popular Girl

I’ve always been a fan of Schadenfreude. Maybe that makes me a bad person, I don’t know. Afert spending an evening trolling through AshlyMadison data, I’m even less sure.

SO, WHATS IN THE BOX?

Oh, stuff, usual banal database files. Only, it’s full of naughty secrets, so fun!

Titilated Yet?

Here’s the TL;DR: it’s a bunch of mysql database dumps, digital signatures and a brief, pissy, and not super helpful README:

TIME’s UP!
Avid Life Media has failed to take down Ashley Madison and Established Men. We have explained the fraud, deceit, and stupidity of ALM and their members. Now everyone gets to see their data.
Find someone you know in here? Keep in mind the site is a scam with thousands of fake female profiles. See ashley madison fake profile lawsuit; 90–95% of actual users are male. Chances are your man signed up on the world’s biggest affair site, but never had one. He just tried to. If that distinction matters.
Find yourself in here? It was ALM that failed you and lied to you. Prosecute them and claim damages. Then move on with your life. Learn your lesson and make amends. Embarrassing now, but you’ll get over it.
Any data not signed with key 6E50 3F39 BA6A EAAD D81D ECFF 2437 3CD5 74AB AA38 is fake.

OOH, LOOK, A PUBLIC KEY FINGERPRINT!

“They used fancy cryptography to sign it all, so that’s totally h@x0r legit, right?” I hear you ask.

Not really. The key in the file matches the signatures, I’m sure (without checking, I’m sure, otherwise why bother?). But it’s a little circular. The best it can assure us is that some future release or past release (I didn’t check the previous release, because, why bother?) were all from a person or persons who controlled a specific private key.

There’s no trust anchor to corroborate the authenticity of that key, it only serves as proof of attribution. While it does prevent altered versions of the data set from being published in the original distributors name, anyone found with the private key that signed these documents has to have gotten said document by some, almost certainly illegal, means.


WHAT’S IN THE FUCKING BOX!?

I know, I said I liked Schadenfreude and here I am, tiptoing around the good bits. Well, here’s the thing, it’s really not titilating, or exciting or anything else. The data in the one table I looked at is nothing more than pathetic.

I didn’t care about emails or credit cards, I wanted to see what the members of the site were looking for, how they reached out to each other. I wanted to look deep into the hearts of these self-confessed cheaters and sugar daddies and see if there was a shred of humanity left in them or if it was just a no-holds barred libidinous pickup box, conveniently accessible from your phone any spare moment you have free for philandering.

What I saw was worse than that, and if I haven’t scared you away with my delaying tactics, slut-shaming and moralizing, here’s a small sample of the data for your greedy eyes:


1975–02–27 ACES are always better than KINGS
1969–04–13 tru2dlyf
1955–05–09 loverly
1980–11–18 Seeking discreet fun
1982–02–23 I\m here for one thing…Herion…wait no that\s not what I want
1961–05–10 hi
1966–06–08 nothing to say yet
1955–06–24 **** addict-lets play
1955–01–15 SINGLE BLACK ORANGE
1976–06–10 Mas Keren
1965–08–01 Black Joy and Excitement
1955–02–20 im bored
1941–06–02 fun guy lookin for fun gal
1946–02–02 Older
1960–11–06 i need a little more
1951–03–09 Want to start with coffee
1957–04–04 life is too short to drink only house wine
1960–06–11 boat sailing soon
1966–06–18 I\m all about the entertainment
1958–07–20 Charming
1950–03–08 \”Hello\”
1962–04–25 Looking for something special
1981–01–02 looking for a good time
1950–12–08 Anything You Want!
1967–10–16 Discrete
1954–09–09 RU LOOKING FOR BDSM
1973–09–10 Hello
1950–08–15 So risky but oh
1965–08–22 Are we looking for each other ?
1972–03–02 Let the good times roll
1972–09–29 Ready To Play
1966–11–19 Wanted
1957–02–17 Lock Doctor
1962–08–05 looking for more than I am getting
1978–04–01 hello
1962–02–10 ready to spoil
1983–05–06 montreal hate me or love me
1963–12–05 Exploring my options — I\m a jackpot for some lucky guy!
1962–04–05 ill take you for a ride! i have a Harley :)
1947–02–10 omeidea
1980–01–20 Hi
1976–11–13 hello
1975–05–11 Wanna bang?
1964–06–04 Just LQQKING 4 Sex
1965–10–10 lets get wild
1973–04–06 seeking a sexual relationship
1959–02–20 hey
1956–12–13 Looking for a fun
1969–11–21 Intrigue
1972–03–08 Just testing the waters
1955–08–27 Are you kidding me?
1970–11–24 Simply The Best
1948–07–07 I love women
1978–08–11 Looking for fun
1980–12–13 Looking for nice bouncing bubble butts!
1979–07–07 Cum get me
1971–02–04 Attached but Curious
1963–07–04 Discreet fun desired. What about you?
1979–07–02 hope i caught your attn.
1951–06–01 Passionate
1979–11–16 Looking to meet new people
1957–05–05 just looking
1956–02–08 Why not?
1963–04–03 name tells you everything…guess guess
1965–03–14 SB
1945–05–03 love to dinneout and makehot love
1963–09–30 Greetings
1965–03–20 Gemtleman outside the Bedroom….WILDMAN in Bed
1964–10–04 Partners in Crime
1970–07–18 Hey
1958–01–01 4/Hr Erections W/O Viagra Do/U call DOC?
1960–11–05 Gentle on the Bump…wink …wink
1965–12–20 looking ….but not sure for what
1955–11–11 Single Male Looking for Women
1974–10–20 Forrest
1968–01–01 Curiously optimistic
1955–10–24 I`m here for u
1952–06–17 seeking realationship with secert friend
1957–07–05 greetings
1958–01–22 Where there is smoke !
1959–08–22 Looking for a friend w/ many benefits!
1963–09–09 One man… for fun and adventure!
1956–05–05 EXPECTING NOTHING
1953–10–04 looking for fun
1967–12–01 sshhhhh…
1972–04–10 feel the warmth
1973–06–08 Who wants to play????
1966–10–07 Anyone real here?
1968–11–27 Hello Ladies
1974–03–26 looking for new friends
1962–12–31 Ready to play
1978–05–16 can\t get enough
1956–09–20 looking for something new
1971–04–04 Looking for a sexy little vision
1951–01–24 no strings attached
1952–04–05 sensual open minded
1960–08–11 den of inequity
1963–07–28 Pssst…wanna chat?
1955–01–30 Seeking Passionate Playmate
1971–08–05 Pull down those panties and get over my knee!
1972–07–07 Energetic
1977–01–23 Just looking….
1939–08–17 Over Sexed
1961–04–27 looking for discreet fun!!
1956–04–10 never dissapointing
1956–09–12 Your Heart Belongs in Brooklyn
1953–01–01 Discreet Adventures Sought
1955–02–02 Bad boy
1954–05–11 Professional Gentleman
1977–01–01 Soul Full Of Sorrows
1960–11–07 seeking married older women
1971–12–25 Im ready how about you
1964–12–19 Lonely Lady needs lovin!
1968–09–16 I\m here to please
1974–02–18 Looking for Discreet action
1977–09–09 mass with the bull get the horn\s
1964–08–25 Professional
1967–03–08 I winked first ;-)
1975–12–28 Unpredictable
1966–01–07 Latin Erection
1958–03–01 Jamaican you come
1975–09–04 Hi There
1953–08–16 I\ve got a lot on my plate but I would prefer ya as my main dish
1964–05–06 Lets Drive!
1960–01–10 just looking for some fun
1952–01–01 To find love in Guangzhou
1971–06–21 looking for some no strings fun
1965–10–24 looking for fun
1977–04–25 Hello
1947–03–29 Fun Loving Professional
1971–10–01 Just lookin\ for a little excitement!?!?
1962–06–17 Low-keyed
1972–10–10 would like to sneak away for fun once and a while
1967–02–07 Have fun
1949–01–01 deep and very introspective
1957–08–27 eager to please ur every desire
1976–12–30 Looking for some fun
1966–01–01 Hello
1973–12–07 can\t get enough
1974–07–18 whats goin on in here
1974–09–23 Male seeking wonderful
1957–10–28 Spoil Someone Again
1958–02–05 satin sheets
1968–07–10 Hello
1962–07–22 fun to fun
1967–11–01 Looking for friend with benefits
1968–03–10 sometimes you have to say…what the heck
1969–11–01 sweet and descrete !
1947–09–08 lonely
1943–07–07 seeking interesting companion
1981–05–08 Just lookin of a good time
1974–08–17 Just looking for some fun.
1977–03–29 Czech boy waiting for beautiful lady:-)
1964–04–19 looking for a little fun!
1970–02–02 ISO females for discreet encounters
1955–09–03 Need some spice in my Life
1954–01–19 magic tongue
1952–03–05 Fun_adventure_Friend
1963–11–27 come and play
1984–02–02 Super Fly
1959–03–03 enjoy life
1952–11–12 Chivalry is not dead
1960–09–18 water rat
1954–05–16 Friend and fun
1973–03–27 Intelligent
1961–05–10 Life is short…live it well…
1952–03–18 Tall
1967–06–06 Hello
1973–10–10 gotcha!!
1967–04–15 You Can Be My Partner In Crime
1964–05–10 senseless curiosity
1967–07–03 Maybe \”together\” we can find what we think about when alone
1968–07–02 please help me loosen up
1953–04–01 looking to meet and eat
1954–06–21 The Art of Pampering
1962–11–11 warm
1963–02–27 Life is a journey….wanna ride ??
1964–03–31 Hungry for a good woman
1964–09–01 Adventurous
1957–12–12 curious
1964–10–30 Locked! Cocked! Ready To Explode!9
1946–07–13 20 years younger in attitude
1971–01–31 Mutual Pleasure
1968–02–14 READY AND WILLING
1971–09–03 It\s all about enjoying life!!!
1954–08–15 In search of you!
1981–03–09 Just curious
1957–11–05 Fly me to the moon
1950–07–17 Loyal
1961–01–03 can\t we all just have some fun?
1968–01–14 Curious…and looking for fun
1967–02–22 Aquatravels
1956–06–27 Looking for Lust in all the right Places
1971–03–04 Hey
1970–05–19 I\m laid back and lonely looking to have some awesome fun
1959–01–30 end our needs
1957–03–01 Looking for some positive life
1957–11–11 This could be a lot of fun!
1963–10–20 lonely married guy
1968–10–01 Looking for daytime fun
1958–08–19 Seeking someone attractive who love oral sex and fulfillment
1974–02–02 Is There Anything Wrong With a Little Fun?
1960–02–05 trailblazing soothes the soul
1975–01–20 looking for fun
1974–06–22 professional gentlemen
1970–04–08 Looking
1948–02–21 lonely doctor looking for one special lady
1958–09–22 clean-cut
1966–07–01 Lets Roll
1964–08–26 Just for fun xxx
1972–01–22 NICE
1964–01–01 hi….
1969–04–27 what missing ?. me
1955–03–01 loves to give attention
1959–12–29 fireman looking for fling
1960–07–20 Looking for that lost spark
1953–07–16 Always on the lookout for new adventure
1954–06–01 I\m bored-looking for some excitement
1959–10–03 Can\t think of anything now….
1959–07–01 Nice Guy in Dallas Ft Worth Area
1961–04–21 I don\t really know what to say here.
1960–12–23 Lookin\ for more
1971–04–08 This is great
1969–11–01 Want to get some?
1964–01–01 Fabulous Fun 40
1951–02–04 sugar daddy
1964–04–16 secret lover
1965–05–20 looking for that excitement that will make for a good life
1952–09–18 totally fun and discrete
1964–02–23 looking for hot woman and cold beer
1979–07–16 A pleasant alternative to pointless
1960–09–09 hot in Tucson
1944–07–10 anon2
1973–01–07 Hello
1956–07–31 Looking for Adventure
1980–02–28 Hello
1971–03–03 Attached
1957–04–30 dreamer of another life
1971–08–11 Simply Looking for a Right Friend
1960–12–16 curvy lady seeks texas oil barron
1944–10–19 Just different
1970–04–02 Seeking for the honest
1955–11–12 Attractive male seeking attractive female
1973–02–28 New Yorker in Montreal
1964–04–10 Let\s see where it goes
1966–05–05 Very Bad Man
1957–02–18 SweetButt looking for Sweet Butt!!!!
1973–08–10 is it hot in here?
1978–09–16 Thanks for your interest in me. I\ll love to know about you too.
1973–04–05 SEE ME
1959–10–14 Looking To Share Some Fun
1959–12–23 Dinner $40
1955–01–17 need a hot fire put out?
1971–04–24 squirm on my tongue……
1952–07–03 A new beginning
1957–04–28 Professional who likes to cheat.
1945–03–18 Aloha — looking for a discrete and wonderful adventure
1959–04–04 Passion and Lust In The Afternoon
1974–09–19 Looking for a little sunshine!
1968–09–01 Looking4fun
1959–06–03 need a goodlooking girl friend to spoil!!!
1940–11–18 Hello from Houston
1953–03–21 there is more than light at the end of the tunnel
1961–10–02 Seeking discreet daytime adventures
1955–08–28 Pleasure all over
1947–07–17 Ride Along For The Adventure
1960–05–04 Your wildest fantasies…and them some
1977–01–07 28 Married male seeks freaky female
1948–03–14 IM LOOKING FOR SOME ONE TO HAVE AGOOD TIME WITH
1948–04–18 New experences no strings?
1948–03–28 joey
1972–04–22 always here
1968–09–09 Got Me?
1959–01–13 Looking for you
1951–01–01 Hello to you
1970–10–17 prove it
1955–09–18 Devoted husband seeking someones devoted wife for discrete fun
1960–05–18 Great Kisser with Like Sense of Humour
1967–01–01 black elegant in shape full figured seeks sucessful exective
1975–04–05 Very good looking man…in a sad relationship
1955–06–21 fun lover
1964–11–03 be one of the comfortable people
1962–08–19 looking to have fun
1953–08–02 yo
1970–02–11 What the hell
1965–10–28 Always lQQking
1974–02–02 VA Hot Boy
1972–07–11 some thing you like in you
1972–01–28 Looking For You
1956–06–22 Life is too short
1972–11–13 I get all the sleep I need when Iam dead
1961–11–24 is this for me?
1961–03–07 Living Life Outside the Box
1966–07–07 Hi there … Wanna have some fun?
1964–07–06 Pleasure Seeker
1954–12–11 looking to give some toe curling quivers
1968–12–30 it\s all for you!
1953–01–29 Needing comfortable and loving arms
1958–02–27 On the prowl
1971–01–01 passionate and romantic looking for same
1968–12–11 Just between us
1968–02–14 Soft Touch
1956–11–06 Let\s help enhance one another\s current relationship discretely
1976–02–07 hmm
1970–07–27 Check Me Out
1964–09–05 Just looking to have fun then go home.
1977–03–22 help a guy out
1947–10–20 Lets play…
1964–04–24 Private moments for your pleasures!
1960–06–03 lives for fun
1970–12–12 Just for fun
1975–10–01 hello to all
1951–06–09 Renaissance Man…
1970–01–01 no rush
1967–05–04 I have a cure for everything :)
1956–12–20 ready and willing
1971–08–21 I\m hoping to find a friend and a lover
1968–12–12 Atlantahome
1968–12–10 Howdy
1960–05–20 Happily Married seeking excitement
1960–04–01 eagle
1946–06–24 Not dead yet! How about some romance?
1971–06–07 Hi! Looking for adventure — can\t believeI\m here!
1956–10–22 Looking for a discreet Encounter
1963–12–18 Good Hearted Cowboy
1963–04–21 Ready Willing and Able ;)
1968–02–11 I\d love to french you
1969–01–01 Looking for fun in Boston
1971–06–17 An all around nice guy
1950–04–26 Tall
1967–07–18 hi
1974–10–13 Hi there
1951–06–29 Looking for some fun with new women
1948–01–18 ???
1976–07–14 fun loving type looking for same
1975–01–01 youhoo ladies ……u wanna get me :)
1952–06–26 fun lover
1976–05–01 Seeking a woman to pleasure….
1977–12–12 hi
1962–04–04 Nice guy looking for fun lady
1976–06–25 nice guy here
1947–12–01 romance and sex
1965–07–28 married male seeks descrete encouters
1960–05–19 Travel NE to satisfy your needs
1967–10–02 You are looking for me.
1965–11–11 Looking for a Bad Girl!!!
1963–04–03 A candle in the wind
1962–02–02 HI THERE
1978–07–13 Hello!!
1940–01–10 active senior
1956–10–19 Just bored … looking for some pa-zazz!
1962–04–27 LET US HAVE FUN
1976–08–16 Hmmmm
1942–02–19 letsjustdoit
1948–06–01 You are only young once
1959–07–20 Hello!
1959–02–07 Hello
1960–01–01 I hope my curiosity doesn\t get the best of me!
1981–08–16 Hey! Look At Me!
1942–11–29 What a catch
1962–12–24 Discreat lover at your request.
1979–06–11 Just Looking Around
1957–06–19 Hello
1971–01–01 hello there
1961–05–15 you are beautiful!
1965–05–16 Why search for the real thing when you can pretend
1976–03–06 looking to meet new and interesting people
1972–11–09 New to the scene
1961–08–05 Checking this out
1965–01–31 looking for friends
1969–05–06 Hello!
1978–07–30 Life is a funny thing….
1975–04–15 Missing that exciting feeling?
1966–09–20 Let\s spend our lonely days together!
1954–08–12 I am just a guy who is a little bored with things.
1971–01–01 I\m not really doing this am I?
1970–09–09 Was engaged
1977–09–24 Looking for more
1946–11–08 OK
1956–09–10 Life is TOO SHORT
1969–04–20 Inhibitions
1974–01–12 Just You And Me
1959–09–05 hello there
1975–03–02 whats up
1963–12–07 i love the cowboys
1953–09–09 Hello World
1954–09–03 Let\s get together and see what develops.
1955–12–05 Been there
1959–01–07 For the Good TImes
1956–08–18 Just looking
1940–03–03 making love is a godly thing
1972–01–11 married man bored with dull sex
1970–08–14 Sexy Portorican Looking for Loven
1958–07–07 seeking the spice of life
1950–03–05 looking to please
1958–06–25 do your thing but don\t get caught
1957–06–05 Seeking Bifemale for threesome
1962–05–09 ready and willing
1962–03–17 Hello (Well
1959–06–11 Dreams come true
1961–03–27 Check me out
1964–02–06 Let\s have fun and be naughty
1954–11–11 I\m as good at being a Friend as I am a Lover
1932–05–18 Senior in search of
1973–07–26 Just want to hook up
1977–08–19 Georgia\s Finest
1963–03–01 Hi
1963–05–10 Hello!!
1982–01–09 just lookin 4 fun
1949–10–12 Another GREAT day. Lets experience it together.
1983–09–30 new at this anything helps
1954–12–19 learning to fly
1968–03–08 Looking to please…
1972–10–26 Hello!!
1957–12–31 Hello!!
1981–07–31 Sometimes the fire goes cold. Let\s heat things up instead.
1975–03–06 In search of someone to have a good time with
1962–02–02 wow where have you been…
1972–05–24 Looking for fun
1967–09–18 Life is not a rehearsal
1971–05–12 lets play
1968–01–01 Time to swing!
1965–12–31 Looking for new adventures
1963–12–10 Looking for something nice
1971–07–01 looking
1972–05–05 I\m Ready
1960–05–05 Looking for an old love
1937–11–11 looking
1967–03–02 out for fun
1966–01–30 Hello!
1950–08–28 \”Sexual Healing\”
1960–07–26 looking for a descrete relationship
1962–09–15 Looking for a little excitement and smiles…
1956–07–29 Let\s Not Pretend
1983–11–23 crazy male for fun
1964–12–09 Hey
1977–12–10 MVP
1968–01–27 Attractive Man Seeking Discreet Attractive Lady
1953–06–20 reawake passion
1960–03–20 nice
1960–10–10 Hello
1955–04–02 Rolling the dice to find someone else rolling!
1975–05–05 Hey ladies
1978–08–25 Funny
1964–11–09 love DC during the spring
1970–01–02 married looking for same
1973–02–01 Hi. I am looking for something exciting.
1954–12–17 Hi
1953–08–21 Where have you been these last 10 years
1980–11–16 ready willing and able
1957–02–02 love to meet you
1975–05–11 hello
1944–03–29 FunOregonMan
1972–12–26 Looking for excitement
1963–06–28 Discreet
1956–08–01 Hello!
1975–07–01 In praise of older women
1957–11–04 drivin fast lovin slow
1958–09–09 looking for some fun
1978–12–10 Lean
1956–08–15 Iam ready to feel alive again
1960–10–04 Looking for some weekday(evening) fun in WA.
1976–06–01 Hello!
1955–09–20 Looking for you!!
1968–05–25 Hello!
1973–08–12 Hello!
1956–12–12 Catalina View Sunset Jacuzzi for YOU.
1967–07–12 ?
1952–08–16 Looking for fun
1967–07–18 I need a lift.
1959–09–15 Once a month Escape !!!
1970–04–04 Free2BMe
1956–11–20 the stick
1956–09–26 looking for …….you?
1959–06–10 naughty but nice
1965–11–08 Life is short!
1975–02–05 I\M A SEXI MAN
1966–04–19 enjoy life to its fillest
1973–06–01 I am waiting for u
1952–09–25 Very passionate man here
1979–09–26 do it if it feeeels good!
1971–07–23 Tall
1969–08–01 Nice guy
1958–11–10 just looking for fun
1968–05–05 Looking for real companionship.(Full discretion please)
1971–02–20 wow
1968–08–05 Hello — how are you
1967–09–15 Needa little fun?Lets take a ride…
1958–11–14 Looking for a very discreet relationship with a woman.
1970–08–27 it\s time
1968–11–09 You just got to jump in and have some fun.
1948–09–10 Seeking that special
1959–12–30 looking for hot fun
1969–03–17 Very physical
1974–09–27 ready to take care of u
1973–04–08 READY FOR ANYTHING
1956–08–08 try me.1969–05–05 just an average guy looking to make someones day
1961–06–28 Looking for love
1970–08–29 Would love to meet you
1947–02–08 Is Romance Gone?
1969–01–05 Change without Change
1945–12–12 Cautiously Curious Capricorn

That colum of dates, those are birthdays. Think you’ll ever feel clean again?

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