What Your Clothes Say

Clothes are wonderful mediums. Ever since one of our ancestors draped herself in a piece of animal skin for the first time, clothing has been as much about self-expression as self-preservation. Nowadays, through the clever use of brands, people send various messages, craft elaborate public personas, and signal identities with their clothes and wearables.

For example Fjällräven is wildly popular among young women in Europe who want to send the message: “I’m a girl.”

“Hi, I’m female, nice to meet you.”


Fjällräven (whose name means I’m a girl in Icelandic) is not the only brand with a specific message when worn by a woman:

Roberto Cavalli says “I’m one of those girls.”

Gucci chimes in: “Me, too, daddy.”

Prada sighs “I wish I was one of those girls.”

Chanel teases: “You wish I was one of those girls.”

DvF protests: “Slander! I was never one of those girls.”

Pink is a little confused: “Say what?”

“I could swear this is not a Mini Cooper!”


Of course the modern man also adorns himself with intricate messages. Let’s see some of those:

Balmain proclaims: “Boy, it’s great being gay!”

Jordan aspires: “I want to be black.”

Under Armour tries to disguise “Over a lot of fat.”

Marks & Spencer politely asks: “Do you like your day cold and overcast?”

Zara radiates “I’ve won several awards in my head.”

Fila admits: “I’ve been to prison.”

Versace predicts: “This time next year I’ll be in prison.”

Fruit of the Loom shrugs: “I’m on parole.”

Superdry shouts “Despite appearances, I’m young!”

“Hi, fellow kids.”

Women / Men

An interesting category is where the messages diverge:

New Balance on a girl says “I’m a girl”; 
the man concedes: “I’m late to the party.”

G-Star woman: “Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah”; 
the man is like “What’s ‘drug-free’, again?”

Armani on a man insists: “It’s not illegal if you’re not caught”; 
the woman adds, “I date this guy.”

Diesel girl states: “I like men”; 
the man responds: “I like women who like men.”

Replay woman is flirtatious: “I like men and women”; 
the man: “I like men and women who like men and women.”

Mango woman simply lines up: “I’m one of the girls”;
the man, though, really stands out: “I want to be one of the girls.”

Fred Perry on a woman tries really hard: “I’m one of the boys”; 
the man confesses: “Nobody likes talking to me.”

Nothing quite says ‘rich nazi’ this side of an Obersturmbannführer uniform.


And finally, the gender-neutral brand messages we like so much:

Tom Ford displays: “I’m filthy rich.”

Louis Vuitton judges: “You are poor.”

Fake Louis Vuitton reports: “I am poor.”

Boss presents: “I kiss ass for a bit of paper.”

Gant is totally shameless: “Daddy bought my law degree.”

Lonsdale spits: “Fuck you.”

Polo blares: “FUCK ME!”

The ultimate in certified douchebag attire since who cares when.

Supra chirps: “I’m young.”

Levi’s contends: “I’m old.”

Vans pouts: “You are old.”

Dolce & Gabbana exudes “I’m fabulous!”

United Colors of Benetton cheerfully counters: “Everyone’s fabulous.”

Tommy Hilfiger half-heartedly apologizes: “I have no taste.”

Karl Lagerfeld breaks it to you: “You have no taste.”

Lanvin muses: “What’s taste?”

Moschino provokes: “There is no taste.”

Valentino settles with “Taste.”