I hate goodbyes. As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep he pops into my head and so do the many “shes” I’m being replaced by. My heart aches and my throat closes up, I can’t breathe. I’m left right back at the beginning, all the progress I’ve made is lost. Where did the sweet guy, that understood how fragile I was go? The guy who made me feel like I was a princess and deserved to be treated like one? I hear echos of my friends saying “you have to move on,” “you have to let go,” “he doesn’t deserve you,” and the most painful one “he obviously doesn’t care about you.” I twitch each time I hear one of these phrases uttered, they clearly all didn’t understand, sometimes i think they never will. This was the boy who brought me more happiness and support than they ever had, the person who made me feel safest, loved and cared for. They didn’t know about the many late night love notes we shared, of the promises we made each other daily and they clearly didn’t understand the depth of my love for him. He thinks I don’t know about the many girls I’m being replaced with but in the year and a half we spent together, our souls became intertwined and we are still connected, I can sense that he’s with someone else- the pain in my chest tells me so- I guess woman’s intuition is real. I don’t know how I lost the person who I’d give the world for, the one person I truly thought was forever, but the one thing I’ve learned is life truly is unpredictable and so are most people. I miss the comfort and safety of being in his arms, the fights of “no i love you more,” the little things that used to annoy me I find myself longing for. It’s hard to miss someone who isn’t gone, someone who is just a phone call away but the harder truth is I would forgive him for breaking my heart in a minute. Maybe my inability to let go, my willingness to forgive and my endless devotion to him makes me pathetic, but I’m a hopeless romantic and one that is still hopelessly in love. I’ve tried the distractions of replacing him but he still crawls into my mind and I jump back from where I am, this isn’t what I want. I want nothing more than to be back with him but mostly, I really just want him to be happy. I want him to stay that sweet, caring guy that waited 7 months for me, even if he is that guy for another girl, because isn’t that what love is? Putting someone else’s happiness before your own? To “him,” I know I’ve told you a million times, but one more time can’t hurt. I will always be your friend, someone you can always count on to be there when you need, I can promise you no one will love you with the innocence I did but I know you will find someone who is everything you want, everything you need, you’ll forever be my first love, thank you for teaching me what love is, you will always have the biggest place in my heart.

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