Just hit the refresh or whatever. I’m doing something like that these days.
2 years ago I left my boys’ dad. A good dad, loving and present…when he’s present! But a not-good romantic partner. Yeah, I’m going to stop that sentence right there and forge on.
The big break happened, it stuck us in my sister’s basement for 6 months. I took on a cleaning job and got the kids enrolled in childcare. It broke my heart, over and over. We leased a terrible little apartment. A lot of “firsts” weathered together, me and my two little guys. I tried and failed at creating and enforcing boundaries for a co-parenting relationship. I missed my partner and friend.
That resulted in baby number three, surprise! Born into the space of our separation but, still, made in love. Baby number 3 turns 1 next week. With that milestone, I celebrate so many others. Including a year + of total and complete celibacy. No breaks, no pauses. Wow! This is the best thing I’ve done for myself in the last decade.
Flowing in a sexually energetic space is as safe and good for you as the partnership is. For me, the commitment and protection was grossly overstated. No doubt a lot of denial and self-deceit was also at play. All of that has since been shed.
A tremendously emotional journey for me as I’ve been injured again and again by my yesterdays, seeing them now with new eyes. Sex-colored glasses, be damned.
In its place, new life is being birthed! Space for God exists where I’d once shut Him out. Wholly me and with a different clarity and sincerity. I’ve no fallback and I require none.
Truthfully, I’m not entirely ok with that. I’d prefer an Earthly plan B, one I could get my human hands and human understanding around. One that could move us away from the terrible little apartment, thank you very much! But for now, that’s not my story. I’m working to develop a life for myself and my boys that is full of commitment and protection for THIS family unit. Exactly as it exists in this moment and not in some pearly dreamlike state that may or may not mirror the reality.
In this space, God smiles at my efforts. He partners with me. Giving Him my whole self is a good offering. It is good! ♡
