Lift My Eyes To You
I went and camped alone last weekend and realized I couldn’t run from myself, or my God, anymore. I had no wifi, no distractions, literally nothing to assist me in avoiding a conversation that I knew I needed to have with my truest friend.
At church, the conversation was about “not hearing God speak”. How we are so concerned when we are talking to Him and hearing nothing back…but in all reality He is speaking. He’s talking so much and we are turning away from His words because they aren’t what we want to hear. God doesn’t sugarcoat for us, he doesn’t tell us sweet nothings so that we feel better. God tells us what we need to hear. He tells us the hard, uncomfortable, challenging truth that demands the most from us. He tells us what will grow us, not what will placate us.
Out under the stars I finally came up to our conversation, fully vulnerable, defeated and 100% present.
Tell me what you want from me. Tell me where I need to go from here. Guide me because I am so tired of trying to guide myself.
I am fully open to admitting I try to control everything, I love structure and knowing every single step. I want to have control so that nothing can surprise me. But as God moves within me, I have realized how tiring holding on so tightly to those reigns really is. I realized how exhausting it has been to try going down the paths I feel are best, to only backtrack and start right back at the trailhead over and over and over again.
He wasn’t harsh, but he was right. When I felt the directions I needed to go, my cheeks flushed. My heart swelled, squeezed deeply within my chest because I knew things wouldn’t be easy. The choices I’d have to make would hurt. They would make me uncomfortable and they would leave me without — but ultimately I would be more whole. He tries to protect us from things that will bring us pain, because the extraction and detachment is harder than we could ever expect.
But under that hole-punched sky, I shifted my gaze from downcast and downtrodden to upwards. I promised I would stop turning my shoulder to his words and I would allow him to guide me because He has known my path before I was ever named. When He is my Northern Light I don’t feel nearly as lost wandering through my own deserts. Knowing I am sending myself into seasons of change, I fully bow to His Grace and His path for me. God moves mountains and within me there are peaks and valleys so treacherous looking I am scared to begin the trek. But He meets me in the depths and loves me fully. completely. wholly.
Just know, we don’t know the right decisions to make, but if we surrender He will guide us to greatness and fruitfulness we never could’ve known was waiting for us. I am in the middle of an extraction, from making decisions I thought were best for myself when continuously, I have worn my feet down from choosing path after path, stubbornly. My bloody little feet are tired and I am no longer in control. He holds me up and tells me He is the way.
I let out a deep exhale and was finally able to rest out there underneath the velvety sky.