Where are you?

“Where are you?”

The first question God ever asked Adam…the first question God ever asked humanity. It may seem simple….since Adam was hiding away in shame. But really….God knows all, he sees all and truly, he already knew Where Adam and Eve physically were hiding, didn’t He?

He wasn’t asking about their location. He was asking about their hearts. Their minds. Their intentions. Where. Are. You. Where are you emotionally? Right now? How are you really doing? What are you facing? What are you burying? What are you ashamed of or fighting through or trying to keep hidden from others that is really, actually, completely tearing you up inside? Where are you?

When I heard this over the weekend, my heart thumped a little harder and I took those words so deeply I couldn’t stop reflecting on them. I haven’t stopped asking myself this question since I heard it. I am so guilty of running myself ragged. I hate missing out. I hate not being a part of things. I hate wondering, “if I had just gone, would I have had the best time?”. But really, we aren’t created to do everything all the time. We aren’t meant to run at 100% full throttle every second of every day. We won’t make it. We will break down. And honestly, since I started asking myself, “Where am I?” I’ve been more true to how I really am. Which honestly, is exhausted. Emotionally, physically, I’ve been running close to empty with my oil light flashing for a tune up and I’m overdue almost 10k miles. I’m that kind of tired. But I am so good at pushing that to the side and continuing on, because stopping and being still means I have to face my thoughts and my struggles and just….Be. Be there in that murkiness and who wants to wade through that when you can just keep going like it’s not even there?! Not me. I’d get a gold medal in pretending I’m perfectly fine all the time.

But that’s what needs to be done for us to feel recovered, refueled and re-ignited. If I want to get back to 100% I have to refill my tank and acknowledge all of those emotions and situations that make me feel heavy from time to time. Where are you? I’m a little haggard. My heart hurts. I have a cold. My sinuses are giving me migraine. I’m not sleeping enough. I’m not sure I remember what “Resting” looks like. I haven’t practiced much self love lately and picking up a book for an hour or two is all my body craves. Some sunshine. Someone saying they value me and miss me. Lighting a candle and enjoying that faint scent of freshness fill my house….I haven’t spent much time just being in my house. I haven’t given myself time to hurt over past heartaches and instead of letting those feelings wash over me, I push them off. Letting it all build into more and more overwhelming mountains to face.

Where are you? I’m making an effort to be here with everything I am. Some of that is negative or heavy and that is that side we hate to share and show others, because who wants to accept or “deal” with that, right? Wrong. That’s how we bond and grow. We connect and deepen our relations with others by letting them in to the sides of ourselves that aren’t just bright and cheerful and seemingly perfectly curated all. the. time.

We all have needs. wants. hurts. aches. desires. destruction. guilt. shame. We. All. Have. Them. We all need to feel heard, seen and accepted. The more we allow others to spill into us, the more we can lean on others. And that is NOT weakness. It has taken me so long to realize that struggle is not equivalent to weakness. But man does it feel good to have someone hear you and accept you with any weights you are heaving on your back. You weren’t made to go through life alone, stumbling and shaking underneath life’s curveballs. That’s why God created us to need each other. To need companionship. We are meant to have bonds and connections.

So, Where Are You?

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