I Fucking Hate Metaphors
Metaphors, Analogies, Similies… the whole lot.
It’s not that I don’t love hyperbole, or even floral discourse. I also don’t hate fun, as some may have suspected. I’m not a monster, I just want to be able to understand what the fuck you’re trying to tell me.
I hate metaphors because they build a strawman into an otherwise civil discussion. This then causes the group to defer the discussion of the original (hard to solve) problem, and begins debating the merits of the analogy that was used (the easier problem), leaving the actual reason you’re meeting wholly unresolved.
To put it more eloquently - I hate when poetry is used to win an argument at the expense of clarity.
Here’s a real-life example (context intentionally omitted):
“I mean, if we were building a fire truck, we’d obviously paint it red! Why wouldn’t we?"
What was this meeting about? Oh you’re confused too? Yeah, because this point doesn’t make any damn sense. Know what happened afterward? Everyone began debating the merits of the analogy.
“Well, in some countries, fire trucks are yellow, because it’s a color that your eye isn’t used to seeing so if it’s in your rearvie….."
Yep that’s when I tuned out too. Now we’re having a meeting talking about fire trucks? Hooray!
“But Sean! Analogies have a legitimate place in verbal communication because they compare two parts of a complex issue to two simpler pieces that someone could understand.”
Reasonable point, but let’s break down that argument. Following that logic, you’re saying some combination of these two things:
1. The person listening to the explanation can’t keep up
2. The person explaining can’t make it simple enough to understand
We’re all on the same team here. Issues shouldn’t need to be dumbed down to be discussed. Explain instead exactly what’s going on, what the issues are, what the requirements are, what the potential difficulties are, whatever.
We can all make this decision together, and no one should need to artificially simplify issues to get their solution chosen. Moreso, the inability to keep up should be solved for at the point of hiring, not in meetings.
So let’s assume that the person listening to the explanation is smart enough, skilled enough, and has adequate context to understand what’s being discussed. What then if the explanation doesn’t make sense?
The person trying to explain it doesn’t understand what they’re talking about.
When I was learning to become a Scuba Diving Instructor, my Instructor used to repeat the same message over and over and over again:
“If the person you’re teaching doesn’t understand your explanation, your explanation sucks. If you can’t explain Archimedes to your Grandmother, it’s because you don’t understand Archimedes.”
If you’ve made it this far, I’m going to assume that you’re on my side, which let’s just call the “Anti-Verbal Gymnasts.”
So, my fellow Anti-Verbal Gymnast, what are we to do to shift the tides of grammatical shenanigans? Well, for frequent offenders, it’s simply a coping mechanism - a nervous habit. How do you break habits? By forming new ones.
I’ve always been a big believer in the idea that people and culture are much more effectively managed with hilarity than just about anything else, so here’s my suggestion:
Make a Metaphor Jar.
Yep, just like your seventh grade teacher had one to keep the angsty teenage version of yourself from dropping f-bombs in chemistry. Just like that.
“Oh well I mean, that’s like…"
NOPE. DOLLAR IN THE JAR. STOP IT.
End of the week / sprint / an especially poetic day? Beers. Bowling. Kebabs. Take the team out for trivia night. Whatever — just make a conscious effort to spend some downtime together.
A few weeks ago I heard from a buddy that their company has a saying that’s part of their core values that I just can’t shake from my head. It’s the following:
“It’s better to be wrong than vague.”
Know what internet? Be wrong. It’s okay. I promise.
…but please for the love of all things holy, quit being vague.
