How I got comfortable with now, and also spent a weeks pay going to the movies.

It’s funny how we can get ourselves to this place in our lives where we want change. “ I want things to be different. If only I had this and and and…”

Something I learned from ending a ten year relationship with one man and starting a new one with another was that all that change I wished for happened. A whole bunch of it, all at once and it actually was all out of my control. And it kept happening. And change literally meant that EVERYTHING was different. Not just the uncomfortable feelings but also the comfortable ones that I had that I took for granted, that I never thought about that I hadn’t asked to change. It was hard.

So now I look around me, really settle into my surroundings, and know that if everything I wished for came true,it would all change.

Not just the loneliness and the wanting and the fear of failure and all those bad emotions, because those will all change, and likely just be replaced with new fears. BUT also the things I take for granted, like getting in and out of my bed in the evening, at night and morning because sometimes I am restless – without disturbing anyone. How close I am to Teensy and how much silly stuff we do together. Living here in Shawnee and in this house, having no commitments but to myself and going to work, then to yoga, then zoning out on my phone till its time to fall asleep. Only being responsible for feeding myself how ever I feel like doing, whenever I feel like doing it, if at all.

When all my dreams come true, ALL those things will change in ways I cannot predict or control.

And it’s not really a question of “am I ready” or “can I handle it” it’s purely being aware that literally everything will shift and everything as I know it will be different. When you are aware of that you feel ALL the emotions. Excitement, wonder, anticipation and fear, not just longing and the feeling of not having. Realizing you will have, and you will have a tonne of it, is a huge feeling.

So cool. Very interesting. It makes me appreciate in a very present way, where I am and what I am doing in this moment.

I am currently lying in my bed, with the blinds up, as the sun comes up and the day starts outside. It’s a little chilly surprisingly so I have two comfortable blankets and a plethora of pillows. I’m by myself so I can fart at my leisure , a natural body function that every single person does but there’s no one next to me so I have no fear of judgment. I can wonder about my day. If I so choose I can lay here for eternity or I can be productive or I can have an adventure. It’s all up to me.

Last night I went to a movie by myself. Now when I do these “things” that your supposed to do as a strong independent single woman, things that are supposed to build character and confidence and make you appreciate being single – I often do them begrudgingly. Really. I will sit there in the movie so fucking depressed. “Yay. I’m here. See all you people in relationships that tell me to learn to date myself?!! I’m here and it’s soooooooo amazing to be alone.” Totally not. Not amazing to be sitting in a movie alone while others cuddle around you. It actually blows. And I just want to cry I feel so alone and disgusting and hate myself so much for being so gross that no one wants me. Which yes, I am aware are totally irrational thoughts and feelings, but that does not stop them from occurring. I watch the movie which I wanted to be so good and really wasn’t that great.

The amazing part happened when I got into my car and I was driving home. I felt relief that it was over and that I was going home. I was proud of myself for doing it anyways. I probably would have enjoyed it more if the movie was better. I was proud of myself for not just going home and reading articles online till I fell asleep. Proud of myself for pushing myself to do something different. So there is a satisfaction with doing things on my own like, going to museums and movies and for hikes and to markets and festivals. It’s the satisfaction of knowing you can do it. I don’t have to concede and say it was just as good as being there with someone I am in love with, and I don’t have to feel bad that Im not exactly in love with myself. I can just feel satisfied that I did it. Something different and new.

Also, it cost 15$ to get into the movie and 11.50$ for a popcorn and a drink. What. The. Fuck.

But I didn’t shit my pants from the theatre popcorn afterwards.

So that was nice.