Sometimes there are people in your life that aren’t quite part of it, but skirt the periphery enough for their life, or death, to have an impact on yours. That happened to me this morning when I learnt that someone peripheral to my universe had taken her own life. I am heartbroken for the people whose lives she had a greater impact on, her parents, her family, her friends, her clients. I’m not going to go into the factors that heavily contributed to this sad event, there were many. But what I am going to talk about is the stigma that still surrounds suicide.
There is no doubt we’ve come a long way when it comes to de-stigmatising suicide and associated mental health issues, but we still have such a long way to go. It’s now easier to talk about suicide after it happens, to urge people to seek help if they are struggling with similar issues. There is always a call to action at the end of every article dealing with suicide or mental health that provides information regarding support services. We have RUOK day (let’s not get into the discussion about that) and we encourage people to be more open about their struggles.
What’s not happening anywhere near enough is people talking about suicidal thoughts before they take hold and it becomes too late. It’s still something people don’t want to hear about. To some extent that is understandable. It’s scary. It feels like a huge burden and responsibility to hear another human talk about ending their life. It feels like something we should stop. Something we need to save people from. And if we can’t, we’ve failed. The guilt can be overwhelming. I’ve been on the other end of a phone trying to talk someone out of ending their life at the end of a rope. I know the feelings or desperation and powerlessness it causes. I know how uncomfortable a subject it is.
Because here’s the thing; I think about taking my own life on a semi regular basis. It’s something I have discussed with very few people. Its something I’ve struggled to even talk to professionals about. Sometimes I deal with those thoughts on a daily basis, sometimes it’s months between “episodes”. As a person who has experienced suicidal thoughts there’s a few things I need you to know…
An alarming number of people experience what are known as passive suicidal thoughts. For most of these people the thoughts will likely never manifest into action. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t seek help. There’s obviously underlying issues that make them feel that way and those need to be addressed, if for no other reason, so that they can have a more enjoyable life and seeking help may be the thing that stops the idea from taking hold. If you have passive suicidal thoughts, you are not alone.
I don’t talk about my suicidal thoughts for a number of reasons; because I don’t want to make other people feel responsible for my life; because I don’t want to be accused of being an attention seeker; because I don’t want other people to feel uncomfortable. Talking about suicidal thoughts, even with a professional, makes me feel like a failure. Like somehow I’m being ungrateful for all the good things I have in my life (of which there are many). But that’s what we need to understand, it’s not a simple equation, it’s not as easy as good things > bad things = lack of suicidal thoughts. There’s no magical amount of happy events that prevents suicide, just like there’s no specific amount of trauma that pushes someone to take their own life. And its unlikely, that as someone without professional training, there’s any amount of words you can say to someone who is committed to taking their own life that will alter their course. That’s why we need to be discussing it earlier, before that determination and resignation sets in.
I can only speak for myself but the moments when my suicidal thoughts are at their loudest are when I am tired of struggling against the quicksand of life. When everything from getting out of bed, to making the simplest of decisions, to answering a phone call seem like insurmountable tasks. When the better option seems to be to stop struggling and allow myself to sink. It seems like the more peaceful option, the one that will use the least amount of energy. It’s never a major event that sets me off, it’s always a series of smaller things. Things that for someone who doesn’t suffer chronic depression may be manageable but for me seem impossible.
I feel guilty experiencing these thoughts when I have a wonderful husband, amazing kids, very supportive friends and family, a house to live in, a job that pays reasonably well and leaves me inspired every day, food to eat, water to drink, all the modern conveniences of living in a first world country. There’s a part of me that feels like I have no excuse to feel this way. That compared to other people who have overcome so much more, my depression and suicidal thoughts make me nothing but a pathetic, privileged white girl with no reason to complain… or feel depressed… or want to die.
Who does have the right to want to take their own life? People living in poverty? People who endure fresh trauma everyday? At what point does it become okay to feel like death is the easier solution? At what point do others stop judging me as harshly as I judge myself? At what point does my sharing of my suicidal thoughts change from attention seeking to understandable? Because I know that by talking about this some people will see this as attention seeking, that it’s some sort of “poor me” exercise. That I want people to reassure me and pat my hand and tell me that they’d be sad if something happened to me.
Those things could not be further from my mind when I am in that space of thinking about ending my own life. I’m not thinking about how many people will miss me, how large the attendance at my funeral will be. I’m not looking for reassurance that I am worthy and loved and that everything is going to be ok. I’m purely and simply thinking about how I won’t have to be tired any more. I won’t have to struggle any more. It is most definitely not what I am thinking about as I write this post.
I am thinking about the things that stop me from taking my thoughts that one step further. My kids and my husband, the pain it would cause them. My mum and the guilt she would feel thinking that she had somehow failed me. I think about how me taking that final step might be the thing that pushes someone else over the edge. I think about how as long as I can keep talking about my suicidal thoughts when they happen I can keep them passive. I can stop them from taking control. Talking about them out loud means that I am acknowledging how I feel, it means I can usually see how unreasonable the voice in my head is.
I can not thank those special few who listen to those dark thoughts of mine enough. By being brave enough to hear even the deepest darkest thoughts that come out of my brain you save me more times than you will ever know. I know that if I didn’t speak those thoughts out loud they would just bounce around in my head and heart getting stronger and stronger. So I urge you all, be brave enough to look into the darkness. It’s not contagious. It can’t hurt you if you don’t let it. Speak about these things when they are merely a whisper and you can stop them from become a roar that drowns out everything else. Don’t be afraid to say that you have suicidal thoughts. You are not alone. You are not inherently bad. You are not a pathetic privellaged white girl who has no right to feel depressed. You are a fragile, beautiful human being with your own capacity for dealing with the darkness we face everyday. Don’t judge yourself against other people.
If you’ve got no one in your life that you feel you can speak to about your suicidal thoughts please seek assistance from one of the many highly qualified services available to Australians. The Beyond Blue website is a great place to start looking for resources to help or talk to your GP and many workplaces also have a free employee assistance scheme. If you are in crises I implore you to call Lifeline on 13 11 14 before its too late.
