Myself and social interactions

Social interactions or gatherings put me in such an awkward and uncomfortable position. I feel so conscious about how I'm reacting, the words I use, how it comes out, my gestures, my facial expressions, am I to say something at this point or keep quiet, how do I behave, should I show concern or not?

Sometimes my countenance is misunderstood and my words too, so it's like I'm just alert, hoping I don't do or say something stupid or offensive and I don't come off as aloof or insensitive. Apart from the fact that I'm an introvert, this is why social interactions drain me (like, mental exhaustion). I've also discovered that it's one of the reasons I'm seen as quiet. Maybe, this was how I grew to understand socializing with people and so subconsciously, the attribute of being quiet became an adaptive and coping mechanism to avoid such misunderstanding of intentions.

I love conversations (if it were a love language, I think it'll be the first for me) but I love having them one on one or in a small group of at most 4 people. So it's not that I hate socializing or having fun, I just like to do it with small numbers.

However, I've come to realize that socializing and networking is a necessary part of adulthood and is here to stay so I have to adjust right?

Anyway, lately, I'm learning to be.

When in a social situation (gathering, whatsoever), I'm learning to just be. I'm learning to not overthink things or try to mirror concern or certain things (gestures, acts, behaviour) that I feel are expected of me.

Honestly, I don't know how to react to certain things like when someone is teasing me. What am I supposed to do? Or when someone loses their house keys. I mean, losing your house keys suck and in my head, I feel your pain. Outwardly, it just doesn't show and because I know that I'm not expressive enough to reveal the true intent of my heart, I mirror people, I mirror behaviors, I literally browse how to react, things to say in some situations. You can say it's me trying to become more emotionally intelligent (I agree and it's kinda a good thing) but it just doesn't let me be me, sometimes it keeps me on edge and it comes with so much anxiety.

Sometimes some people would ask me why I'm so quiet and I tell them the honest truth; I don't know what to say and sometimes they'd ask me if I'm fine because apparently, I have a face that's either tired, angry, or plain straight. This then makes me feel like I have to look cheerful by forcing a smile or contributing to what they say in one way or the other which drains me.

So I'm learning to be. I'm learning to be myself, to be calm, quiet, speak when I want to and not because I feel I have to say something. I'm learning to not always feel the need to 'socialize' because when I feel that pressure, it gives me anxiety and I even act weirder than normal. At the end of the day I feel as if something is wrong with me when in fact, I'm fine, I simply put these unnecessary pressure unknowingly on me.

What am I learning to do in social situations? I'm learning to be and go with the flow, connect with people in my unique way and not in a way that is 'normal' too. I also like being by myself so if I'm the only person on a table or at one corner, it could be that I don't know how to get in and socialize, so I isolate myself. It could also mean that I just want to be by myself.

I honestly hope I was articulative enough. I’m not sure why I’m putting this out there but yeah, it’s out there, if not how would you be reading it right? Maybe I just want to let it out. Maybe, someone can relate. I honestly don’t know.

Finally, my big support is God; and the wonderful things I’ve been learning and experiencing about him.

I’m also thankful for my friends that have come to understand me. It means a lot. It feels good to know that I can be with my friends, alone in the room and no one is asking if I’m fine (BTW, I’m actually very playful 😂 it can be annoying). It feels good to know that I can sound aloof and be so blunt but the person doesn’t think I’m being petty or offensive; they know it’s all coming from a good place. Thank y’all ❤️