Letting Go-Family Edition
One of the first questions I was asked when I first started therapy was… ‘what do you think triggered this?’ It became a form of record I would play over and over in my head any time I felt like I was down in the dumps for days on end. Because I didn’t know myself well enough, I very rarely knew what my triggers were. This was my first assignment. Being able to point a finger at what often led me down the dark path so I could learn better ways to deal with them, or avoid them altogether.
It was no easy task. Given that I was in the darkest place I had been in years, everything felt like a trigger to me. A stranger looked at me funny from across the road. My neighbour did not return my greeting this morning. I messed up my experiments at work. Someone stepped on my toe at the market. A lady passed me at the queue and wasn’t apologetic…anything could send me down a spiral I would last in for days. But over time, as I found better ways to deal with all that is me and dragged myself from the dark edges to what I consider a semblance of dim light, I managed to unearth one of my biggest triggers.
Family.

When I was younger I often wanted a different family to my own. I remember making up stories in my head of how life in the ‘perfect family’ would be like, and how I would enjoy myself a lot more there than in my current life. It was a childish thing I hoped to outgrow. I never really got to though.
I recently voiced out the fact that I sometimes wish I was in a different family to a friend. A normal family. Her words of advice for me were that every family has issues. The grass is not always greener…blah blah blah! What my friend doesn’t understand is that I do not wish for a better family…or even greener grass. What I wish for is a form of NORMALCY. Even as a kid, I have come to realize, all I craved for was a normal family setting. We didn’t have it back then, and we are as far away from it now than ever before.
Last year I hit rock bottom…or possibly lower than rock bottom. I managed to drag myself out of there with the help of some family, friends, doctors and meds. It is a place I would rather not go back to. So I take extra care on how I deal with situations now. There are situations where I can attempt to learn how to deal with in a healthy manner. While there are other situations where I can do the one thing I have always been good at-AVOID!
I have learned that distance works well for me, especially when triggers are being wound up. So, yeah, I am that one kid that others may deem ungrateful. But I have come to learn the very hard way that; sometimes one has to let go to live on!
