A Messy Chair
Today I wanted to talk about my chair, a messy chair. People who know me well that I try to be super organized and keep my place as organized and clean as possible. But i don’t know what happened in the last few months, my chair and my room has tend to stay like this.

Unless someone visits me I don’t even bother to tidy this mess up. So I’m asking myself and you what happened to me? Am I just being lazy? Or am I depressed? Or else I know I can clean this only in few minutes so am I just procrastinating? Am I gonna stay this forever? Do messy things don’t bother me anymore? Is this kind of phase just like puberty? Or every 20 something adult’s chair look like this? Or furthermore, have I matured and got chill enough with this kind of uncomfortable situations because of recent break-up. Ugh over thinking…
This may sounds a bit odd linking break-up to cleanliness. But hear me out. My recent break-up was probably the most difficult thing I have ever overcome in my adult life up until now. It taught me so much. Maybe more than the relationship itself. I experienced loss and grief. And I learned that I’m not extraordinary special person who is “break up-free” that I thought I was. That bad things wouldn’t happen to me because I’m generally good person imo. This break up taught me that I’m not bulletproof from life’s tragic incidents. I’m just like everyone, my life doesn’t grant me perfect things. I learned that I should be just happy and grateful if the good things going on in my life. I should not be disappointed and lashing out at life if things didn’t go as I imagined it would. Kind of stoicism. I realized that there are events that happen outside of my control and I can’t do anything about it. All I can control is my reactions and actions to what happens in my life.
Ever since I was child I tried to be perfect and never satisfied with my self, always criticizing and trying to improve myself. I want everything to be perfect — my life, myself and my family etc. But still, It wasn’t enough, I couldn’t satisfy myself. Irony is I was an only child at that time and my parents raised me in a loving family. Strangely, I grew up insecure.
Fast forward to now, before break-up, that relationship was “everything” to me, although some people probably think it was a long distance relationship so it couldn’t be that serious. But believe me when I say it was. At least for me. With that relationship I shaped my adulthood, I grew within that relationship as a person I am now which is better version of my teenage self. So I really wanted to make everything right. This relationship had to be perfect. But I tried so hard just to mess up more. I feel like pretentious, everything had to be the way I imagined and thought. When things didn’t go well, I instantly heated up and lash out at my partner. When he didn’t give the things I wanted, I just became extremely upset, and acted passive-aggressively. Because I thought I know better than him and I’m doing the right things. When in fact, it’s nothing like that.
Now he’s gone, I learned that life doesn’t work always in your favor. And that’s okay. Just maybe since I survived this “hell” then tiny things like messy chair and messy room don’t bother me anymore. I learned that it’s okay not to be perfect and make mistakes. Life goes on. Or else I’m just becoming lazy ass person who is trying to be philosophical and all.
Either way, I got to get up and clean this up at some point.
