Jealousy, Jealousy…
Play me jealousy, jealousy by Olivia Rodrigo.
I am jealous. Or is it envious?
Whatever.
You know that feeling when you see someone else doing what you're good at but then you realise that this person isn't just good, this person is better. Better than you.
I’ve been having this feeling. And that’s okay. Or isn’t it?
What isn’t okay is that, I wish I was her/him/ all of them combined. What is not okay is that, I want to take it out of their hands and make it mine, sometimes, I just want to shred all their hard work into pieces - destroy it, since it can’t be mine.
It’s a toxic feeling. And that’s not okay.
It all started… about a month ago♪, when I stumbled on someone’s Medium page.
She's a writer and a model. And guess what? She's someone I actually know, someone I've spoken to, someone that has been to my house, my room, someone I see in school.
She's someone I say hi to and pass.
She has about 800 followers on Medium and thousands of followers on Instagram. It’s not about her followers though, it’s about what she has made of herself.
I read some of her works and they are beautiful. I looked at her pictures and they are pulchritudinous. Guy, she seemed flawless to me.
However, I didn't put into consideration the time, effort and energy she has put into those things. I didn't think about the years she's been writing non-stop. Unlike me.
I didn't factor the things she has done that I haven't.
I also stumbled on the Instagram page of a guy I used to follow when I still had the "adunnithewriter" Instagram page.
It's just beautiful to see what he has become in the time that I stopped (not like he was on the same level as I was back then). His writing is also so beautiful. I don't feel like a writer when I read his stuff, the way he writes and articulates his words. The flow and fluency, the emotions they carry. Pure beauty.
For him, it’s not jealousy, it’s admiration.
There’s someone else I’m jealous of.
She’s not a writer or creative.
I'm jealous of her lifestyle.
Some weeks back, I suddenly came to the realization that I am in prison and I don't have freedom to do whatever or go wherever. The realization was depressing, honestly.
I see someone who does that. She does whatever, goes wherever, sees whomever she wants.
And I'm jealous of her freedom.
I don’t know if people put in effort to be free but whatever it is she has done to earn such freedom, I haven’t done it.
I used to think I was the best singer among the youths in church. I thought it was obvious and that everybody knew.
Due to the strike, almost all other youths are home. And guess what? I realised I'm not the best. They just haven't put in the efforts I put in. If these girls put in half the effort I put in, attend half the choir rehearsals I've attended, they'd be far far better than me.
The truth is, I'm jealous of how good they are without putting in so much effort.
Long story short …
I’m jealous of people graduating.
People with big bumbum.
People that have dreams.
People with genuine friendships.
People in girl friendship groups.
People in beautiful relationships with Christ.
People who have calm outward dispositions.
People that don’t get angry.
People who smile through it.
People who forgive easily and let go easily.
People who don't take things to heart.
People who can keep long term friendships and relationships.
People who say "f**k it" and do whatever the heck they want.
I’m jealous of dead people. At least, they’re resting.
In all honesty, all these comparisons don’t matter. I don’t know why I can’t help but compare and compare.
What do I do with jealousy?
What do you do with jealousy? Where do we draw the line between jealousy and admiration?
I read something - "jealousy isn't such a productive feeling".
You can convert almost all other emotions to work for you and bring out the best in you - sometimes, jealousy works too.
But more than often, jealousy destroys you. You lose yourself in it. You start to loathe yourself and others. You give yourself less and less credit. And it's a deep pit that is hard to come out of.
What do I do with this jealousy I'm feeling?
If you have tips, kindly let me know in the comments section. Or in my DM.
If you’d like the "tips on how to deal with jealousy", let me know in the comment section or in my DM. So I’d share the tips I get.
Thank you for reading!♪♥
