Notes On Anxiety: Tracing My Steps.

Hi guys! Happy New month! Happy independence! Happy Saturday!

I decided to write on one of the things I struggle with, I’m sure some of you do too. I hope it’s relatable, interesting and educative. Enjoy!

Looking back, the first time I felt anxiety was when I was 10. My siblings had been to boarding house and I had an idea of what it felt like but nothing could compare to witnessing it myself.

It was October — the month we used to celebrate Founder’s day in my school. I remember watching the students in the hall that day as they did presentations for QC @83. It was grand, there was food, ice cream and even though I was outside, there was a man who carried me on his shoulders to watch the event. I loved it.

Less than a week later, I resumed as a boarder. The first time I was resuming, I was confident. My mum says "I wondered what was on your mind because when I dropped you, you didn’t look back." I wonder what was on my mind but that wasn’t the first time I felt it. I’m sure I was confident about boarding house.

In January, after my first term, it was time for me to go back. But I hated it. I don’t know what exactly I hated. Was it the fact that I missed my parents and siblings? Was the it food? The struggle for water, snacks and everything? The scary stories about madam koinkoin, bush baby and the QC statue? I just knew I didn’t want to go back. So I took it up with my dad.

"Daddy, I don't want to go back" quickly turned to "do you think you're doing me a favor? You're not doing me any favor by taking me to this school."

But my dad didn't listen to me and then it dawned on me, "I'm never leaving this place. I'd have to stay here for six years, God", I didn't want to.

And that was when the anxiety came.

My symptoms always started from my stomach. I would suddenly feel sensations in my stomach, then I would feel full even if I haven’t eaten, I’d lose my appetite, my stomach would begin to do a little weird dance and everything would feel unsettled, my heart would be heavy, I’d feel so burdened.

Sometimes, I get really irritable, restless, on-edge and I'd find it difficult to focus on anything. I'd be lost in my mind, asking myself "why are you feeling this way?"

Under some circumstances, I begin to run temperature, if I'm in a car, I immediately feel car sick. I immediately want to do something to save myself from this feeling. It feels like something bad is going to happen, someone is going to die or I'm going to die.

I was anxious about resuming, anxious about being bullied, anxious about my junior school friends that I felt inferior to. And when it was time to go back home, I was anxious because I had lost all my things, anxious that my home and church friends had moved on. The anxiety was so loud and deafening, so I would put up a tough front.

I spent six years in secondary school with that anxiety. When I was entering UNILAG, I was anxious that I wouldn't be able to make friends, anxious cause I couldn't talk to boys. Anxious cause I liked somebody, and anxious cause he left.

I feel anxious when someone is upset with me, when my room mate isn’t talking to me, when I can’t finish a task my boss sent me, when I’m supposed to meet up with someone I haven’t seen in a long time, about the "girlfriend" tag, after a break up, when people like my pictures on IG, when I lose a follower on medium, when I hear my phone ring or receive a notification, and these days, I feel anxious for no reason.

Maybe it's because everybody's either leaving the country or dying and I'm stuck in between, living. Maybe it's because ASUU is on strike while my mates are graduating, passing out from NYSC and even preparing for Masters.

These are some of the ways to tackle anxiety (most of them don’t work for me, the anxiety comes right back, after I stop):

1. Talk to someone about it or about anything else: (This one works. Someone who makes me laugh, someone who takes my mind off things).

2. Breathing techniques: some people believe that being aware of your breathing could redirect your focus from your anxiety. But the moment I stop breathing, my anxiety is back. This one doesn't work for me. But it might work for you.

3. Meditation: meditation varies from person to person. It might require you to listen to an audio recording or something. The point is to take your mind off it. Doesn't work for me either.

4. Affirmations: it's one of the methods I tried. It's being kind to yourself. Telling yourself all the good stuff "I'm okay.", "I'm going to be okay," "I can do whatever I put my mind to," "I can finish up this task," "everybody's time is different", "all fingers aren't equal." And so on. It works sometimes mostly when I know the root cause of my anxiety but what about the times that I don't even know why I'm anxious?

Some days ago, I happened to stumble upon something:

"But there is a solution for anxiety. Jesus is the solution."

So, I plan to be conscious and more intentional as I try out my new found method (I hope it works).

In a couple of days, I'd be back to tell you wether it worked or not. There won't be a new blog post. It'd probably be a response under this one or I'd just edit and add it to this blog post.

Do you struggle with anxiety too? How do you keep calm? Let me know in the comments section.

Also, thank you for 200+ followers! I love every one of you!