Referral

After 11 months of visiting the gender identity clinic (including a six months pause I wanted) I’m now officially trans. I’m diagnosed.

That means I have a referral for HRT and other treatments public health care here provides.

It also means I have to wait even more. The endocrinologist has a two month queue.

It’s now the fourth day after my diagnosis. At first I felt relief. Finally, external validation! After that, doubts started creeping in. Yeah, the doctor thinks I’m trans, but is she right? And even if she is, do I really need HRT?

I’ve wanted this for 14 years (since I was 20), and now I have doubts?

Today I’ve alternated between feeling very trans and proud of it and feeling very scared of the future.

I’ve never handled waiting well, or change.

I’m reading a book on Buddhism, or buddha-dharma. It might help me treat my feelings with a little more kindness and a sense of lightness. I also meditate daily with Headspace. I feel I can face my feelings (fear, anxiety) more now, instead of always running away from them.

I love reading other trans people’s writings on their experiences of transition. It reminds me I’m not alone.

On the other hand, I want to just get on with my life instead of thinking of transness all the time.