Allowing myself to be happy
I always had issues, with being just happy. I thought I couldn’t really feel pure happiness because of my anxiety and fear that if I am happy, something bad will happen. It’s a dumb way of thinking, but I could not get rid of that feeling. Add in the mixture of being unworthy of happiness and you have yourself a very sad girl.
After losing a loved one in 2019, I especially thought I didn’t deserve happiness. I felt as if I smiled, I was being rude and mean to her, because she wasn’t here anymore. She couldn’t feel the little joys of life and I was taking it away from her. I talked to my therapist about this, and he said: ‘it is a normal part of grieving. You are blaming yourself, but it’s not your fault.’
I understood where he was coming from, but his calming words didn’t do much for me. I noticed that people don’t really talk about it. Being happy after losing someone or just being worthy of happiness.
People brush it off as a passing feeling, but it isn’t. I felt this way since I was a child, especially in the last 2 and a half years.
It is a weird journey, trying to allow yourself to be happy. Feeling as, If I shouldn’t feel this way, when there are so many that are unhappy.
One of my wishes would be for me to feel happiness as is, without strings attached, just to experience the feeling.
I hope someday I do, I hope I will allow it, to the fullest.
To just say the words: ‘I am very happy’, without having an anxiety attack.
(44/100).
