An Invisible Woman

I never knew what insecurity was until I turned 50. Then it hit me big time. I would look at myself in the mirror without my reading glasses. Ok, acceptable -I would think. Then I would put my glasses on and look again …. Ohhh! Nooo! Not good , not good at all! My karma caught up with me for having been so self assured and confident of my looks for half a.century! Then suddenly I find myself burdened with endless new problems I never knew existed, that I never was prepared for! The agony of having to show myself in the public , even just to walk my dog! Not that I ever was beautiful in the classical sense , but I obviously looked good enough to learn to rely on it for half a century. Suddenly I take forever before I gather the courage to get out into the public. The procrastination! The agony! I still rather stay home than go out and do all that needs to be done outside of the safety of my home… Even my dear Jackie the dog is by now resigned to endless patience required from her, until I finally find the courage to face the world as a middle aged ( read : “invisible”) person. So it is not even about looking horrible , disfigured or anything like that. Just the discovery that men pass me on the street without even glancing at me , I must confess, was — no: still IS pretty hard. On the other hand ,I must say , it did wonders for my capacity for empathy . Suddenly I can understand perfectly the 70% at least, of the world population. All those men and women that look less than gorgeous and … well — all those that had to learn to live and function just the way they are, as God had made them, and rely on other , real and lasting qualities to conquer their place under the sun. Living without that extra “jocker” card that I was dealt by birth and had always taken for granted , had really taken me by surprise , totally unprepared. What was I thinking? Why had nobody ever warned me of what happens when you are not young and attractive and radiating feromones any more? Or … maybe I had never paid attention, just simply did not hear them? Like the girl from Ipanema…