Pretty close. I could find my way around it easily, especially in these past frw days. I am on this lovely tropical beach , surrounded by young backpackers , pretty girls and all the boys following in the wake of their irresistible youthful feromones, coming and going in their bikinis and colorfull sarongs, bursting with excitement, travel stories and travel plans, all being the best friends for a day or two as it normally goes when on the road.

Even under normal circumstances, being just about the oldest as well as the one staying longest in this place , and having been coming here when most of these kids were toddlers at best, this could make an introvert out of anybody. Actually that is not true. - It never had bothered me in the slightest . Only, something has happened , that temporarily changed my feelings about everything.

I have just found out that my dad had died a few days ago on the X-mas Eve and that my sister does not want me anywhere near, as there is nothing for me according to her… But there is even more: Not even a year ago , last January, I had to drop everything and leave this same beach , as I was , in flipflops and all. My dad called , to inform me that my mom suddenly and unexpectedly died that morning, and to please come as soon as possible. . I left immediately to the the nearest airport several hrs by a taxi , caught the first flight and flied like the wind , to be thete in time to arrange a funeral for my mom, and to be there for my dad. . Sister was in the same city , maybe 1 km away but unavailable at the time. Fortunately my dad managed to reach me within a couple of hours so I flew across the world from the tropcal paradise into half a meter of snow and the snowflakes the size of golf balls, to do the most painful chore of my life . To say a final goodbye to my mom . I am still crushed and trying to deal with that . Now my dad died as well. And I am again half way across the world .This time sadly I can not be there to pay mylast respect to my dad. It is above 30°C here , but in my heart it is snowing …

Here everybody is so excited about the New Year. Kissing and hugging and exchanging wishes . My lovely quiet beach bussier than ever! And me , waiting in vain to hear from my sister at least how the funeral went. I alteady know she won’t bother to mail me. She is too busy now moving back into the house, sorting out and whisking away her “loot “ It sounds outrageously mean and nasty, but she is not an ordinaty sister. She hated dad and hadn’spoken to him in 30 years, but lived right across the street , paying her rent with our mom’s pension money, keeping an eye on things, having her laundry done in the house by mom , and even had left her handicapped daughter with mom and dad — I am not quite sure why — for the entire 30 years, from the day the poor kid was born. After dad , I am the 2nd most hated person in her books. Now , she is finally in total command. Unless I fight her legally , she will not let me come close to the house whete I was born, and will not let me have a single object from there as a memento of my childhood and of my patents. I have no intention to fight this disturbed woman . Last time we met , she attacked me physically on the street , a woman age 64 ! Nothing for me. Being an old hippy at heart , I never could understand or know how to deal with hate, greed and violence.

So I am sitting alone in my little bungallow, in my tropical paradise, even having meals brought to my veranda… Can’t really handle the ctowd. In solitude I am trying to come to terms with all this . Eventually I will , I guess . This can’t last forever. Five or six days already, I am not going out. I tried , nearly every of these days. On some I did not manage further than 10 steps on others I almost made it to the sea . Almost . Then I would loose the courage , turn and go back to my room. So, for now I am very good in finding my way around that introvert’s heart’s landscape. I can do it perfectly with the closed eyes. Funny , as I was always the outgoing happy person loving the life and feeling good in my own skin, while my sister was the introvert one , who never moved away from our childhood home , at leasr not futrher than 100 meters , to an apartment across the street. And that only because she couldn’t stand the sight of our dad. That problem is solved now. She won’ t be seeing him …

It would have been so much easier for both of us to deal with this loss together, as siblings normally do. I tried , I hoped we would get to be close after our mom died. But no. After I had spent a month with dad , I had to go to my own home in another country. When I intended to come again to be with him and help out , she “strongly advised” against it! Dear God , only now as I am writing this , I am seeing the pattern that I was not even aware of ! She purposefully kept him isolated knowing he wouldn’t last long all by himself! And she did not want me anywhere near at the time of his death! This is all even worse than I had realized!

So here I am a brand new introvert. Oh yes I did tell a few people what had happened. A couple of them hugged me , and it fealt good .It helped at that moment. Others were just uncomfortable and obvioudly did not want to hear , did not even know how to offer condolences.And why should they?. They will learn when their time comes so why force these unpleasant things on them alteady? It is my time now and I am going through my brand new introvert phase. Incredible how one’s whole demeanor changes in times like this.

One thing I can say in conclusion. I never had a dull moment in my life and never could understsnd people who complain of boredom. I can be lazy when I get a chance , but bored, never! life is a rollercoaster as the cliché so truly says. Now it has taken me to the lowest dip . Unless the engine bteaks down, it will inevitably soar up to the headspinning height again , and so on and on. I better make sute my safety belt is fastened. And I have learned something new : the landscape of an introvert’s heart.