CASE STUDY: “I am writing to inform…” or old-school classics

Recently I’ve been asked to fine-tune emailing skills of a newcomer to an International hi-tech company. The person occupies the position of a Junior Project Manager, so proper emailing is a vital skill for him. He speaks English fluently, so he easily passed a job interview with his future boss (a native speaker). But the problem revealed itself on his first day in his first email.

So, Dear Mr Williams…

Here is the original text (the author kindly agree for his piece of writing to become a guinea pig for the rest of us:))

Dear Mr Williams

I am writing to inform you that I’ve started today.

I also want to express my sincere gratitude for the opportunity you’ve provided me with by entrusting the responsibilities of the project manager inside your team. I want to assure you that I will put all possible efforts to bring the maximum contribution to the project.

Therefore, to start immediately, I require the names and email addresses of the team members. Can you possibly share them with me? Can I also ask you to introduce me to the team?

Please, also find attached my working plan for the next two weeks.

Thank you.

Bugs in the email

As you may see, our main character is far from being an emailing guru;). But why? He’s written everything correctly. Yes, correctly, but too … booky.

Such emails sound too old-school, as though taken from 20-year-old textbooks. ‘Alive’ people do not talk (and write) like that — just bots or lazy-bones who prefer copy-pasting instead of thinking.

Though in the case of the PM, he gave way to his fear of being impolite and not sticking to business ethics with the native speaker. But let’s leave psychological reasons aside and get back to the email itself. So, what are the exact ‘bugs’ here, and how should he formulate his thoughts?

1. There is no need to state I am writing to inform. What’s the use? This is an email, Cap. Of course, you are writing.
2. I also want to express (I want to ensure you) — the same as in №1. Why do you need to inform somebody about your wishes? Express and ensure everything you want right off.
3. Sincere gratitude for the opportunity you’ve provided me with by entrusting the responsibilities of — in general, this part sounds OK. But a less formal, more conversational variant would be better. For example, Thanks for the chance/opportunity to join the team is no worse than a formal alternative, and the meaning is identical.
4. I require — such phrases as I require/ I need/ it is necessary for me are better to be avoided. The truth is nobody cares what you need, people care about their needs and wishes, and this is absolutely normal. This is why emails to be read and appreciated should be written from the reader’s perspective.
5. Can I also ask you to — the same as in №2. If you have a question, ask it without beating about the bush. If you still fear being impolite, try to use something like Let’s, please, schedule my introduction to the team, or I’d be thankful if you shortly introduce me to the team. When can we make it/ schedule it? Send me please team contacts will suit as well. But anyway, beginnings like send me, give me, bring me — are far from being the best, as they are formulated with imperative mood, which may sound disrespectful if addressed to a person you are not well acquainted with. So, it is better to soften with can or let’s.
6. Please, also find attached my working plan — is a kind of passive construction, and a bit old-fashioned already, in a more business environment, you could use more conversational Here is my working plan (attached)/ I attach/enclose my working plan.

And the updated version…

Based on my above comments and clarifications, here is an update email of my student (PM) (of course, still there some nuances, but leaving perfectionism aside, the update is definitely worth publishing here).

Hello Mr Williams

I am happy to start today and feel thankful for the chance to join your team as a PM. I’ll do my best to meet your expectations and be of maximum use for the project.

To promptly dive into work, can you please share with me the team’s emails, as well as make a short introduction?

I also attach my working plan for the next two weeks, as I see it. Do you have any thoughts/comments on it?

Thanks in advance.

Absolutely different sounding? Admit it!

Read this article in Ukrainian on uppr.com