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This Fucking Addiction is Killing Me.

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Week 3 of Iva’s quit smoking journey.

I’m not gonna lie. This past week has been rough. I would go a day with no cigarettes, yay Iva, to the next day just buying one. Then the day after none, go Iva go, and then the day after I’d buy two.

This has been my addiction this past week. I’m not sure if I can blame it on stress. I’ll admit, I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed lately. But enough to have to start smoking again? Maybe. An addict doesn’t know the reasons. Any reason is a good reason.

I talk myself out of buying cigarettes, I talk myself into buying cigarettes. Just one. I’ll be ok. Such a fool. As a 40+ year smoker who has quit more times than she can count, I already know the #1 rule to quitting.

You can’t have just one. Ever.

Oh but I’m a strong person. I can have just one. I got this shit. Watch me. I’ll prove that theory wrong. …sure you will.

So I had just one, and then just one, and then another just one and before you know it, I was buying a pack of cigarettes again. But there’s logic behind this purchase. An addict can justify every single move and purchase we make. Didn’t you know that?

Yup we have excellent points for everything. I’m gonna buy this pack but I’ll spread it out over a whole week…..sure you will.

I’m only buying this pack now because I’m out drinking with my friends and I like to smoke only when I drink….sure you do.

I’ll just crush these leftover cigarettes from last night and start my quit fresh again today…..sure you will.

The struggle is real and it’s so much fucking bullshit. Addiction. I hate it.

This is what really goes on inside my head:

“Ha! Good girl. We got you. Let’s smoke. Now you stink again. Haha. You fucking loser. You’ll never be able to quit. Are you happy now? Are you proud of yourself? You thought you could only smoke one a day. Well look at you now.

Well it appears your hair stinks again as does your clothes, your skin and your breath. Are you fucking happy now bitch? Justify that??? Can you? What’s your next big move? You clearly fucked this whole thing up.

I fucking hate this addiction, I fucking hate smoking, I fucking love smoking, I just wish it would all stop right now. I wish I had never smoked ever in my life. I’m not sure how much more of this mental torment I can take with this fucking addiction.

It’s breaking me down. This fucking addiction is killing me. “

All this and more goes on in my head. Then there’s that feeling of defeat. For me, that’s one of the worst feelings ever. Defeat.

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow or the next day. No clue. I will get back on track, maybe even tomorrow. Who knows. There are a few cigarettes left in the pack from last night. May as well just finish them and then………………who knows.

I want to return to Canada for a visit this year sometime (hopefully before the snow flies!) and I promised myself to be smoke free by the time that happens. Here’s to shallow promises to ourselves that mean nothing anymore….

I want to have nice smelling hair again. And I want my clothes to smell nice. And I want to be able to breathe normally when I go for a walk. I want a lot of things that smoking won’t let me have.

Here’s to wanting, hoping and trying again…..

(if you know an addict, of any substance, please just love them, you can’t fix us, only we can do that, just love us)

Peace and Love

ox iva xo

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