Opportunities for Growth in Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)
Have you ever thought about opening your relationship and exploring polyamory or ethical non-monogamy (ENM)? If you have, then this thought may not be unfamiliar to you.
“Let’s just open our relationship, how hard can this be?”
However, the reality is that opening your relationship is likely going to be harder than you think. In fact, even if your existing relationship feels “rock solid” there are likely going to be a lot of feelings and emotions that you just didn’t see coming and are likely unprepared for.
Logically It All Makes Sense
You’re getting started and are feeling ready to dive into ENM. You’ve bought and read all of the books (Open Deeply, The Ethical Slut, Polysecure). You’re feeling comfortable — intellectually and logically you understand all of this.
Love is infinite, and there is a capacity to love more than one person.
Open, honest, and transparent communication is needed.
Jealousy is normal and can be helpful in working through feelings and emotions.
Boundaries are healthy tools that define what we need to feel safe and secure.
While logically you get this, the unfortunate part is that feeling of comfort often changes once you start putting ENM into practice. Once you begin exploring dating and new relationships new and unexpected feelings, emotions, and heart comes into play. You’ll likely find that you are exposed to the realities of the insecurities, uncertainties, and fears that we all feel and have to work through.
And when those feelings kick in, that logical understanding is often overtaken by what I like to call “monkey brain.”
“Monkey brain” is that feeling where, despite logically understanding the concepts, that stable understanding is replaced with having to face and process our own feelings, emotions, uncertainties, insecurities, and fears.
And despite how secure we think we might be, these feelings can be intense, may often be irrational, and might not be happening right now but are most certainly real feelings that often cause quite a bit of distress. And these emotions cannot and should not be discounted.
Another Opportunity for Growth
One of the misconceptions is that ENM and polyamory mean having more sex. And while that may be true, I think what most people find is that it also requires and involves growth and personal work. A lot of growth and work. And that growth and work are often continual — particularly when you are first opening your relationship(s) or adding new partners.
- You might be faced with changes to relationships that create feelings of loss and/or grief that you might not have expected.
- You are going to be hit with uncomfortable emotions that you will have to sit with and work through.
- There will be uncertainties that create a fear of the unknown.
- You are going to have to learn to have challenging conversations.
- You are going to have to learn to listen better and to actually hear and validate your partner(s).
- You are going to have to learn to balance the needs, wants, and desires of a number of people as you enjoy your relationship(s).
- And the list goes on…
None of these are concepts that are specific to polyamory or ENM, but as you begin living this life, you will find that there are going to be things that you aren’t prepared for. And you are going to find areas of your life that require work and growth.
Don’t Shy Away From Doing the Work
In my own journey, I found that my lifetime of monogamous relationships left me inadequately prepared for living an ethically non-monogamous life. My communication skills were sub-par. I avoided conflict, often at the risk of nearing dishonesty (sharing what I felt was comfortable and wouldn’t rock the boat). I wouldn’t openly address issues, and pack them up onto that little shelf where people put things to gather dust until they explode.
And my own skills were absolutely counterproductive to practicing ENM. I found myself quickly enrolled in a school of learning and self-development. And that was badly needed.
Reading. Journaling. Talking. Therapy. Meditation. Podcasts. More Talking. More therapy. More reading. More Talking. More Journaling. Rinse and repeat.
In the eight years that I’ve been living an open ENM life, I have done more personal development than I had in the previous forty-five years.
It hasn’t always been easy. It most certainly hasn’t been comfortable.
But the growth has absolutely been welcome and has shown results. I am by no means perfect, or an expert at this, but I’ve come a long way.
And I’m proud of that.
