How We Hacked The Dating Game
Unlike men, that are generally attracted by the looks of the opposite sex, women are attracted by other things. It’s not about the looks, but about who you are, women are more attracted to personalities than looks. Women are hoodwinked by the confidence, positive attitude, a smile and a sense of humour. Looks are somewhat important but the fact remains that personality carries the day.
Now you may say that this is something you already knew, but there is one thing many men don’t know about women, or about people in general.
It happened to me. I was aware of all of the above but I would still find it difficult to approach a woman, start a conversation and keep her interested. That until I read Oren Klaff’s book — How to Pitch Anything.
In this book he presents some basic principles of how the human brain works and how to be convincing when interacting with others. Indirectly it also reveals the golden rules of interacting with women and people in general. I will summarize it below.
This is a scheme of the brain:
During our evolutionary process, the human brain developed in three separate stages:
Reptilian Brain or Croc Brain — the most primitive part of the brain; responsible for the initial filtering of all incoming messages. It generates strong basic emotions and survival responses — aka fight or run responses to the external stimuli. It does not have a great capacity but its main purpose is to keep us alive.
Limbic Brain or Mid Brain — responsible for determining the meaning of things and social situations and the more complex emotions.
Neocortex or New Brain — it’s the most recent part of the brain, responsible for higher thinking: problem-solving, complex thinking and producing answers using reason. 76% of the entire brain is neocortex
The Disconnect Between Message And Receiver
When you present something the neocortex is at work — crafting ideas, forming language and presenting ideas. But the thing is, that everything is filtered through the reptilian brain of the person receiving the message.
When you try to scare a friend for example — you used your neocortex to plan in advance every detail, wait for the exact circumstances and when the time was right — BOO! He ran away…
That happened because your friend did not use his neocortex to analyze the situation — he felt basic emotion — he got scared, so he followed instincts (croc brain) and just ran, only later (after the information got processed by the neocortex) to realize that in fact there is no danger.
Therefore, the neocortex composes a message and sends it to the other person, which is receiving it with the crocodile brain.
But what does this have to do with dating?
So the human brain reacts exactly as it was intended to, trying to determine if the information coming from in is a threat for the person or if it can be ignored with no consequences.
Humans are hardwired to avoid threats or to ignore everything that is not a threat.
This why it’s so damn difficult to even talk to a woman. — also why the classical approach “hey, how are you/ you are beautiful, bla bla does not work”. Their brain is made to ignore you. They are used to this approach and it simply does not work, and most important — they can see you as a threat if you use the wrong body language or words.
“We are hardwired to be bad at pitching. It is caused by the way our brains have evolved” — Oren Klaff
In order to be able to flirt you have to get passed the defence system — the croc brain. And this is being done by following two basic rules:
A. you don’t want your message to trigger fear alarms and
B. your message must be recognized as something positive, unexpected — something new and pleasant.
Now that you know this, transposed into our reality, the best way to approach is indirectly. Be simple, clear, non-threatening, intriguing and novel — “using the back door” as the great PUA, Mystery advises. Breaking these basic rules, will not lead to the expected outcomes.
- Smile and have a confident body language.
- Approach using an indirect subject. Eg. you are looking for a place to buy souvenirs because you are not from the area. It’s awesome when you are foreigner in a place because to them, you are intriguing and novel.
- Disarm obstacles — Usually they don’t want to talk to you, but if you say something like “I’m in a rush/ I only have a few minutes” then they are more eager to talk to you, knowing that you will leave them alone right after — you present no danger.
- Create comfort and trust — eg. say that you are on your way to meet your friends — this will make you seem sociable and trustworthy. You have friends = you are not a weirdo. Say a joke. Humour is gold.
- Find common ground — Try to find out what you have in common. And you have to do this asap because you’re in a rush. What does she study? Law? Awesome! Your best friend did the same and now he is a great lawyer. She likes surfing? So do you — and you show her some picture of your last holiday when you went surfing. And so on…
Can’t really find anything in common right away? Then if she says something that genuinely sparked your attention, dive that topic — find her main goal. eg. She is a marine biologist? She probably does this to save the planet — eco friendly & stuff — talk about that. And express your genuine feelings towards that — admiration/ amazement etc. “Wow! That is something I hear for the first time. It must be interesting…”
6. Demonstrate value & set frame control — now presuming you did not skip the previous step — you found common ground, you will have to position yourself in a position of power against her.
Eg. A friend of mine that works as VP for a small banking company once met a girl. He asked where she worked. She said in a bank. When he heard this, he said “I am the VP responsible of all Eastern European Branches of this bank”. Now they have common ground — they work for the same bank, but he had frame control — he is positioned higher in the hierarchy.
When you present yourself — you always do something amazing. Read some marketing books to learn how to presents the best side of things/events and apply it on yourself. Eg. I am a programmer at Space X. Wrong! I work at Space X. We have one really ambitious goal there — we will send people to Mars in 5 years. I am the manager in one of the programming departments. Notice the difference?
7. Close — say something like “You are a very friendly person, nice meeting you! I need to go now, how can we continue our dialogue”? Then she will say something like “I can give you my number / facebook “ etc. And you will not seem needy — you will not ask for it, she will offer to give it to you.
Now the above presented tactic should get you a few phone numbers and some dates. It takes work though.
You should “randomly” meet say 50 women with whom to talk; if you are lucky, 30 of them will give you their number; 15 will answer, you will date 7–8 and then decide which one you like.
This would be doable in two days if you are hardworking and manage to get past your fear of rejection.
But what if I told you there is a way to accelerate this process? Without having that feeling of rejection or failure.
What if you want to meet 1000 women? After you create a setup in which they are comfortable, go tell your story to 1000 women. Well, chances are that some of them will be interested, right?! Some of them will be very interested. Just need to find them.
But how long will that take? Approaching 1000+ women?
Here comes the really exciting part…
That’s exactly what we did: we took what by traditional means would mean maybe one year of hard work and turned into almost instant result. This is the power of digital marketing.
Here’s how we did it:
Volker, a german business partner of my friend, was doing business in Romania for more than 4 years at the time (2015). He was 55, divorced and quite unhappy. After a while, my friend thought that since we are running a digital marketing agency and a recruitment agency, we should be able to find him a girlfriend in the same way we find employees for companies, why not?!
So we published an article in the news “The Ingenious Way a Businessman Is Looking For His Soulmate” containing his story, hobbies, desires, values and expectations (things that sometimes take months to communicate to your significant other). At the end of the article we also added a “call to action”, advising the women who are interested to contact him. We then advertised the article to single women all over the country.
Two days later, he was flooded with requests from women. He couldn’t keep up with all that. It was overwhelming. All day long he would do nothing but use his smartphone. 70+ women contacted him and they were all genuinely interested in him.
Here is a picture of Volker and his new girlfriend:
So what really happened here?
Let me explain you:
We have automatically obeyed the first rule (A) — didn’t trigger the fear alarms: and bypassed the first 3 steps: smile, approach and disarm obstacles (there were no obstacle to disarm).
Comfort was created automatically because they probably were in a comfortable set up already — just browsing the internet for something interesting.
Trust was created by applying the 3rd principle of science of persuasion — since it was coming from press, it was a trustworthy source, offering a true story. When a 3rd party is referring you, it gives your more trust.
It was up to them to find common ground. Given that so many women read the story, there was a filter as well — only the ones that were having the same mindset and sharing the same values showed interest.
Some people find it really difficult to communicate in advance the expectations they have from their partners, therefore they may not ever bring into discussion some things. In the newspaper he communicated in advance what he wanted, he shared his values and goals. It was a much easier way to find someone like-minded.
Demonstration of value and frame control have been achieved through the text written — explaining in a very nice manner the story and the reasons behind. He was presented as the businessman that focused too much on the career and now trying to fix his life.
And finally, closing was made automatically, in a non-needy way — “the ones interested may contact him”. He was in a position of power — he was the prize.
By doing this, we manage to follow all the steps, one by one, automatically, at an accelerated pace, applying it to thousands of people at once, filtering only the best matches, therefore yielding much better results than traditional way of approaching women.
It’s like having superpowers
— being able to interact with 1.000+ women in just hours
This is the power of online marketing.
Rejection and fear? Forget about it! Besides the fact that you don’t feel it, when so many women are interested in your person, you don’t have time to even think about that.
After this episode, we wanted to try it again, to see if it really works.
A friend of ours, Raul, visited from Denmark. With the hope that he will remain with us (by getting a girlfriend, ha-ha!), we applied the same methodology, although he was completely skeptical about it.
70+ women (we stopped advertising when we reached this number) added him on Facebook, fighting for his attention. The side effect — again, for days he would barely talk to anyone, but spend all day in front of the computer or his iPhone. It was overwhelming for him.
Places have changed. He did not have to work hard to approach women and talk to them. He was the prize, they were coming for him. “I feel like a rockstar with so many girls wanting me. This is so mindfuck… I wouldn’t have thought something like this is possible” he told me.
After this episode, we realised that this is an awesome idea and launched a business — www.datearomanian.co.uk
This is my first article published on Medium. Also my native language is not English, so sorry for the mistakes.
What’s your opinion on the article? Waiting for your comments below.