First off, is it cool to be alive right now, or what?

Say what you will about modern life, but you have to admit we have really cool stuff. Smartphones, flying robots, standard and Blu-Ray DVD viewing experiences? The word “magic” was coined centuries ago to describe stuff that we now use on a daily basis to keep our kids quiet.

But still, things aren’t the absolute coolest. For one, the resources that we burned up to create said magic are coming around full circle to burn us up in revenge, in the form of climate change.

And there are other uncool things, too, that are totally equal in magnitude to the impending extinction of our species as a result of man-made climate change.

As a candidate for U.S. Senate in California, here are my top seven issues of the 2016 election cycle, along with my straight-shooting bottom line for how I intend to get to the heart of each issue if elected.

Hopefully I can earn your vote!

Issue #1 — We’re All Going to Die

The Situation:

A nuanced study of scientific consensus reveals that greenhouse gas emissions are outside of our house with a knife right now, waiting to murder us all.

The Bottom Line:

If elected, I will attempt to reason with, make persuasive love to, or fistfight with any politician of any party who stands in the way of aggressive Federal action on climate change. Line them up, and I will sacrifice my jaw until it can take no more.

We are all going to die. Politics don’t matter anymore. I just want to work, and not die.

Not necessarily in that order.

Issue #2 — Wealth Disparity

The Situation:

Money works like snowballs do. Except, some people are really trying and can’t scrape up enough snow to make a ball to roll, and some people who have more snow than they need have figured out how to use their excess snow to politically influence more snow into their path, and also send snow to offshore snowbanks that never melt so that it doesn’t circulate in a natural precipitation cycle for those of us who have no snow.

The Bottom Line:

Climate change is going to melt all of the literal/figurative snow and kill all of the literal people.

I know it’s hard to feel like you’re ever going to die when you have a pocket full of snow, but I think we showed those silly Pharaohs the folly in that kind of thinking when we robbed their corpses.

I also know it’s hard to care about the environment when you’re broke, but it’s even harder to care about anything when everyone you’ve ever known or loved is dead forever.

Our money is only as good as our prospects for living are. I will create legislation demanding that we all throw all the money we’ve got in a big pile in the middle of the country, and then use that money to turn the climate around and improve our prospects for living. Cha-ching.

#3 — Russia

The Situation:

Vladimir Putin is a jerk.

The Bottom Line:

Listen, there’s no easy answer for jerks. But you know what there is an easy answer for? Dying. The easy answer is “Not Dying.” Maybe by fighting climate change and showing Putin how cool it is to not die, he’ll realize how silly trying to be alpha is in the face of a worldwide die-off.

Worst-case scenario, he kills us while we’re trying to save the world. Still better than dying by default because some murderous jerk was distracting us from the fact that our children’s survival outlook is meh at best.

#4 –Terrorism

The Situation:

Lonely, psycho American jerks and lonely, psycho foreign jerks with weapons they shouldn’t have. Really dangerous, really real, and enabling the Federal government to surveil us all like we’re a bunch of jerks under the auspices of protecting us from jerks.

The Bottom Line:

Listen, if we’re gonna let the Feds be jerks to save lives, can we at least let the Feds be jerks to save lives based on scientific models and plans rather than on the unpredictable whims of lonely psycho jerks?

There are a million right and wrong answers for the jerk problem. Which makes it difficult. But, I proffer this — all the right answers involve not dying because of man-made climate change.

As a dedicated advocate of not dying, I think I’m the right person for this job.

#5 — Immigration

The Situation:

There are some people coming into our country who some people in our country don’t want coming into our country.

The Bottom Line:


All I’m trying to say is that the borders of all of the countries in the world are about to dissolve under the wash of human misery that will flood our planet as it becomes uninhabitable. So, maybe let’s put this on the back burner until we solve that.

#6 — Christian Values

The Situation:

There are Americans who feel as though certain laws enabling certain kinds of love and certain medical procedures are an attack on the religious values they hold, and thus politically unacceptable.

The Bottom Line:

Before we get to moral judgments, let us not forget that the government has one primary function — make sure we don’t all die. Given that we’re failing on that front right now, I feel like it’s worth considering a postponement of the moral debates for a hot one.

That’s the order of my to-do list if elected– 1. Not die. And then, 2. Anger other people by injecting my morality into governance.

I probably won’t get through with Job #1 in my six years in office, but if I do, then feel free to recall me if you disagree with how I handle Job #2.

#7 — Racism

The Situation:

Shit is institutionally and informally really fucked up out here.

The Bottom Line:

Listen, I’ve got no real business talking about this. America needs another white guy acting like he knows what racism in our country really means about as much as it needs all of its beautiful, intelligent and valuable people of all colors dying because of climate change.

Can we just stop being jerks about problems we know to be true and start working to remedy them?

Thank you in advance for your vote.