Jenny DeShields

If you pay on okcupid, you can filter out all the hi messages and weird, offensive ones. It does that for you. I tried it for a month and it was a way different experience. You can also filter by attraction(or however the site determines that), and this magically filters out super weirdos and gives you more to filter by. It feels like like you are being attacked by weirdos when you check your messages and matches.

I only found 3 or 4 good profiles on there, based on my criteria. I read tons and built certain criteria for profiles, pics, and questions. And I went with the rule of what works in real life had to work online, as far as the texting etiquette.

I used it for about 3 mo at a time, and turned it off for a break, then came back. It can be demoralizing to look at so many guys in one day/week and it feels like you are objectifying the whole dating interaction so much. So that’s why I took breaks.

I soon figured out the rules: I didn’t reply to most messages I got unless their profile, questions, and pics all really seemed consistent, gentlemanly and high quality. The questions people answer tell you so much about them, so they need to have answered a lot or they aren’t trying or are hiding something, or maybe aren’t smart enough to figure out why they need to show a girl who they are. The profile + questions gave me a good idea of their real personality. I went on maybe 5 dates total using the app, and never got really surprised. I sent lots of messages to men myself. I turned off email notifications, and blocked everyone in the app that evenly slightly offended me. When I paid, I got way fewer app messages as well, and all their stupid ones get filtered out. But I only did that for a month or so.

Then I found a really simple, unoffensive profile of a guy that was really attractive, tall, went to Stanford, was nerdy but not too much. We messaged on the app for about a week, not chatting every day, just exchanging formalities and he was super polite and gentlemanly. We set a date, but the night before we had a phone call, so I could feel confident he was as he presented himself online. Every interaction was very consistent, sweet, respectful, and he had a sexy accent.

So we met the next day, he was gorgeous to my surprise, and so sweet polite, old fashioned, a little shy, very dressed up and was clearly trying hard. I had a feeling he was going to be this way based on his politeness + warmth on the phone.

So, we went on a weekly date for a few weeks and IMed every few days. He was always just as excited to see me again as I was to see him. We lived about an hr apart so I made sure to equally go see him as he came to see me, always making sure things were equal give and take and I was just as respectful to him as he was to me. Long story long, we are planning to get married after 1.5 yrs, and I’m so happy I used okcupid.

Its impossible to meet busy, single nice people by chance, they are at work or home, and most nice quality people don’t hang out in bars or wherever for hours a week waiting to talk to the ladies. Nice men don’t walk up and hit on you either. Polite men want you to feel safe and respected, so real life can be hard with how fast paced life is to meet someone in your normal routine or expect a friend to introduce you to a single person they know… it’s just reality.

Also, you can’t tell who is single and who isn’t by looking at them in real life at a cafe, and lots of non-single guys in real life are happy to flirt with you! That demoralized me a lot.

So, the app gave me a nice list of nearby single guys (I would regularly see men who people I browsed on okcupid walking around or at the store, etc) where I could sift through smokers, drinkers, druggies (that’s most people honestly in CA), and see who was patient and respectful enough to court me using a somewhat awkward, removed dating strategy (an app to meet, and text messages to schedule dates) and be able to handle it like an old fashioned gentlemen who was look for something real.