Well, to start this, let me tell you my favorite motto: “Rise every time you fall down, for I am seen as the strongest among you.” I live by this motto — because I shall stand on my own no matter how many times I fall. I have to live my life with everyone weighing me down because I have to let them step away from poverty and difficulties in life. In short, I am seen as the “bread winner” of my family because I bring them the validations they crave. I bring them the standard they want, and I paint perfection on their name. I paint their images perfectly, but bring dirt on mine.
With no remorse, I lost myself in the middle of finding my family's happiness - but I don't care if that's what makes them value me. With no regrets, I'll choose them over my own life because of the guilt for not being able to do better. I love them, but it scars me knowing that I am not capable of making them love me unconditionally and genuinely. I’ve always been a left over, the one who's this easy to throw away when you couldn't fulfill their needs anymore.
Sometimes, I do admit that I question my own worth. “Do I really deserve their affection? Their attention?” But then, I realized that no matter how hard I try — I will never earn my visibility to them. I am their daughter as well, and I want to feel that just once. I wanna feel that I am not just a person who brings them luck in life, but also the one whom they are proud to have. Is it invalid for me to feel that way? To be this desperate of having them look my way?
I love my family, but they ruined me. I am lost, but who will lead me to find myself?
But then, every path will always lead me to loathing myself for being too incapable of doing a lot better than I should have before. Everytime I’m having a thought about doing a lot better today than I did yesterday — disappointment invites and provokes me. Maybe I shouldn’t set my expectations too high, because it makes me wanna hate myself and loathe everything about me even more.
