The First and Last Day
The sun was bright enough this morning to wake me up, and get up I do. I make scalding hot tea, and eat a piece of banana. Have breakfast with my mother. After which I am again allowed to be by myself and my thoughts.
The last year was possibly the worst year for me in all aspects. To summarise, I started the year full of hope, but everything I laid my hands on failed. Almost every single thing. I ended up doing all things with only half of my heart in it, or sometimes, none of it at all . Failure is something I have struggled to live with, and when I do fail, it’s not other people or what they might say that worries me: it’s what I think at the end of the day. And more often than not, I would be severely disappointed at myself.
I started hiding and doubting my abilities; I lost my confidence in many areas of my life, and didn’t think I was worthy of anything. I imprisoned myself with that belief throughout the year, buried the key, and only found comfort in short-lived distractions.
Towards the end of 2017, I discovered different and entirely new personalities from people I thought I knew. I discovered changes in them and myself, both good and bad. Some left, but some worked at it, and some stayed.
Many decisions had to be made. Many demanded time I couldn’t afford to give. Many only knew how to push people, not knowing they were pushing them to the edge. I was beginning to lose myself amidst this, and I almost did.
What I realised after all this — after all the people I may/have hurt, offended and irritated, after all the bad choices, compromises, situations that are now too late to reverse — is that there will always be people who will love, care and support you. I think it’s because as humans we are always stuck with the concept of labeling others, instead of seeing them as a spectrum of all the good that they can possibly be. With love. In love. I believe that to be the driving force of every individual, may it be in sweetness or in bitterness. I thank the people who choose to see me this way inspite of the way I have been.
The only standard beauty has is a good heart. If we use that, for every situation, with everybody, everyday — then guess what that makes you?
I’m beautiful. We are beautiful. And we are the most beautiful when we rise up again and again to give out love, because it’s the only thing worth being and doing in this world.
The 31st last year is the day I’m putting a lock on everything that made me punish myself for the past, my imperfections and the mistakes I did. And today will be the first day that I choose to see myself as how some others see me — someone worthy of a break, a chance, and even love.
I join the rest of the world as they step into the new year fueled with all the hope and love they keep in their hearts. Happy New Year.