What am I thinking about today?
Quite a few people in my life have sleeping issues — having difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep. I am grateful that I rarely experience problem sleeping even when I’m stressed about something. I usually fall asleep as soon as I hit my pillow at night and mostly sleep through the night.
Instead, from time to time, I wake up with a sense of anxiety early morning — before my bird chirping alarm goes off. It usually comes with this sensation in my body — mostly in my gut, sometimes in the back of my throat — both feels contracted. I remember having this feeling in my childhood when I was frightened. So I must be scared about something when I awake like this. What am I scared about, I ask myself. Well, I’m scared about the uncertainty in my life. While I think it’s not bad or unusual to be scared, I notice my mind wants to find a way out rather than staying with my fear and befriending it. My mind wants to think about what I can do to alleviate the fear so I can feel safer. My mind wants to analyze what I did or didn’t do up till yesterday that I could have done differently. My mind wants to think about all the tragedies that may come my way today and on.
This kind of thinking also happens in my meditation. If I can remember to remind myself to be right where I am — cozily in bed with my kitty purring by my side or sitting on my cushion, I know I can find the calmness of being “here.” Surely, we all do have to think about a lot of things in our life, but I have to be very careful about what I think about because I can get carried away with a myriad of unskillful thinking patterns such as worrying, obsessing, and reminiscing about the mistakes I made.
So today I am choosing to think about things that are beneficial and things that bring me joy.