I Don’t Know Anything…

When I went into the solo retreat more than 2 weeks ago now, I had a lot of questions swirling in my mind. For the first few days, my mind was very actively seeking “answers” to those questions. Soon I noticed that when my mind is preoccupied with such thoughts, it was hard to be present, to remember that I was surrounded by those pine trees, many of which have been quietly standing there for decades — some even a couple of centuries and that the wind was gently blowing through those tree tops finally reaching my bare skin like a gentle embrace as I sat on my Zafu on the deck. One of my teacher, Ann Buck, had told me before the retreat to “expect nothing” and to hang in the “don’t know mind.” I thought I knew that well, but it took me 4 and a half days before I was able to drop my questions completely and just sit with whatever arose.
It’s been almost a week since I got back to the life in the city. While I felt much more grounded as I returned, I already feel a lot of stress elements present in my life. I’m so grateful for this practice just knowing how it helps to stay present as much as I can when things are not so simple as it was in the retreat. All the questions I had are still hanging around in my mind, but they are not grabbing me. It’s O.K. that I don’t know anything right now. Just like Rilke wrote to a young poet, if I just live the questions, I may just live into the answers!