Being the only “woman” in the room

I’m a white, healthy, non-binary person, working in tech. I look like a woman, but identify as both male and female. Diversity and inclusion is something the industry talks a lot about. Statistics gathered by countless studies still show that men make more than women in tech and that women make up about a quarter of folks who work at these companies. I’m not here to talk stats though, I don’t think they help us easily connect with the individual experience and why diversity actually matters. When I get to meet someone and connect with them on a human level, understand what makes us the same, delight in what makes us unique, I am able to understand why black and white numbers on a page don’t always showcase the humanity of a situation. What I can share is how I discovered what role gender plays in my life, how I feel when I am the only “woman” in the room, and how this impacts my view on the system I live in.

From my earliest memories, gender was a key focus of my upbringing. I was scolded when I was not being ladylike, told off for being too emotional, indoctrinated to believe that my outside appearance was the most important commodity I had. The more I performed, the more fawned over I was, the more praise I got. So I was a good little girl and did what I was told so I could survive.

When I left college I had acquired what I thought were two useless degrees; film editing & gender studies. I was grateful to get to go, and generally enjoyed the experience, but I had no idea how these would serve me in the future considering I was unable to imagine specific careers in either. I was burnt out from film after coming to the realization that after learning copious amounts of technology, delving into every part of the filmmaking process, I wasn’t going to be making art, but simply hustling until some Director of Photography or other worn out professional thought I was worth a damn.

Then, I pursued gender studies to understand the history of feminism, where I fit into it, and how to help, if I could. The first thing I learned was what feminism actually was; equality amongst genders. The vision of radical women of the 60s and 70s was present in my mind, but I remember this not making sense. Why would these women need to fight so hard for something so simple? Why would they get push back for equality for both men and women?

That was because, up until this point, I was an attractive girl with no disenfranchisement. I was born in the right country, learned the right language, in the right socioeconomic class, and often got treated better because I was what people wanted to see out of someone performing my gender. My appearance and my mindset were due to lack of exposure to different types of people, with different lifestyles and ruling ethics. Then I learned about women in other cultures and countries who were persecuted for basic rights and met men my age that recoiled at the label of feminist. I had always thought that gender was a concrete barrier I had to follow. However, it was actually a crudely painted sidewalk someone had been shoving me down my whole life.

Today, I use my college education and my life experience everyday. When I entered the workforce I learned how men often held positions of power and where women sat in organizations. I also learned that on-the-surface “female empowerment’’ that some businesses lean on to squeeze more money out of customers is just as egregious a crime as dismissing someone because of the way they look. During my professional career I’ve been able to visit and work with people from around the world from Asia, Europe, and the Middle East. This has helped me see a variety of ways gender shows up in the workplace, or doesn’t, and how expectations varied from culture to culture.

With technical aptitude, rigorous drive, and human support, I have been successful. I understand how the system works, respect its boundaries, and receive positive results. I have strong business ethics and advocate for the teams I build and lead. And now, after this success, I sit in meeting after meeting, where I am the only and closest thing to a “woman” in the room. I know that the middle aged men sitting around me have lived a different life than I have. I don’t know all the details, and I think the way our society suppresses male emotion and vulnerability is atrocious. But when I sit in the room, I am surrounded by people who have never been told they are “too soft” because of their perceived gender, or “too emotional” because they don’t match some standard created that no one talks about until you violate it. I know they haven’t had their physical weight or appearance commented on consistently enough you’ve had to ask coworkers to stop. I know they haven’t had to wear a bra even when it’s uncomfortable because it would be too distracting in the workplace if they don’t. It makes me feel sad, frustrated, and alone. I focus on what needs to get done but I also am filled with questions:

• What do all these men think of this situation? Do they even think about it?
• Do they notice that I am the only one here? Or do they see me as another man because I’m “somewhere in between”?
• How do I control the urge to call out in the middle of the meeting how the diversity of the country we are serving is wildly underrepresented here?
• Why am I the only one here experiencing this problem?
• What are my responsibilities to fix this situation?
• How do you even fix a situation like this?

I have had mostly male mentors throughout my career. Some female ones, but mostly men due to the industry. People who have seen potential in me, guided me, and helped me become someone who is in the room. I think we all have a responsibility to do that. I identify promising individuals and give them feedback and guide them to learn what I have learned so they can have as many opportunities as possible. I’ve done this with women, with LGBTQIA+ folks, and other underrepresented groups. Not because I am filling a quota, but because I get what it feels like to be different and I want them to know that they should feel the freedom to storm through life and show others their full potential. There’s also an awareness that there is a code to break through, that no one can teach you unless they’ve seen it and broken through themselves. I’ve taught women how to speak up in meetings and how to advocate for themselves, since we’re often taught to wait our turn and be respectful. I’ve instituted a no-interruption rule amongst leadership groups to give people a chance to finish their thoughts because I know the pain of being interrupted. Am I radically changing the industry, no. But I recognize the power I have, and I do my best to share it with the people I can.

The real answer is no individual can fix this — it has to be from companies with positions of power. Money and power move cultural change more than anything else. I could disrupt an executive meeting and ruin my career, but I don’t think that will have the desired effect. In terms of individual responsibility, I believe I need to live my values, hire diverse teams, and demonstrate that gender is a construct that no one should have to be forced into or defined by.

Sources of gender statistics: Women in Tech, Pay Gaps in Tech

Source of photo: Hola American News