I don’t need a new ‘normal’
I miss you
It’s your turn to put out the rubbish, I’ve done it every day, your beer cans fill the bins really quickly. Please bring the laundry bin down the stairs, I’m fed up with doing it. Just once could you empty the dishwasher or put the breadboard and knife away after using it?
Oh yes, now I remember, that’s all down to me now even though I did it anyway, I don’t have you to nag now so it’s all down to me without you here.
My mess stays put until I move it, you don’t make a mess anymore so there is very little to clear. How can one person make such a huge difference?
I miss your mess, but I don’t miss clearing it up. I think I miss your help, but you didn’t help much unless it was a blocked toilet or hair in the plughole. Without you, I have neither of these now.
Deep down I loved looking after you and I miss it now. I hated the laundry and a lot of the cooking, and I don’t want it back, but I miss the choice of nurturing you or not. I secretly enjoyed making you a coffee or a rushed bacon sandwich to make sure you had sustenance before a long day playing cricket.
Thinking about someone else filled my brain and I’ve forgotten my own needs and preferences over the years, but I think I’m learning them again.
It’s quite freeing, not having to think about someone else and I won’t feel guilty, it’s too damaging. If I don’t learn to move on from this, no one will do it for me so I mustn’t waste my days being a victim of guilt.
Everyone says I will find a ‘new normal’, this is a phrase that is beginning to grate as I don’t want a new way of life, I want my old, boring life with you. I want our predictable conversations, shared cups of tea and discussions about dinner. I want to groan when I get up from the sofa and I want to hear you do the same. I want to moan about the youth of today while watching the news and I want to complain about the way people drive nowadays, all with you.
I come home now with no one to listen to me, my own voice is a surprise to me and I’ve no one to laugh with, knowing that we have both turned into our parents!
If this is my new normal, I’d rather not have it. I’d prefer to have you back.
