New UChicago Englewood Campus Has No Trigger Warnings or Safety Whatsoever


University of Chicago has made a historically bold move after unveiling its new Englewood campus Thursday afternoon. With no chairs, plumbing, or walls, the campus is a stunning architectural contribution to Englewood's bustling Gangster Disciple territory.

“We do not support so called ‘trigger warnings… we bussing at a mark nigga… no warnings given foe.”

In addition to its radical architecture, C. Keef Hall is home to exclusive curricula: Cinematography for Fight Video, Yaki Weaving & Textile Arts, Advanced Caucasian Intimidation, PR/Ad For Soundcloud Links, and Applied Chemistry.

University President Robert J. Zimmer had plenty to say on the matter.

“Our commitment to academic freedom means we do not support so called ‘trigger warnings.’ If we catch a op talking sweet on some Twitter beef shit but he ain’t eem trying to pop out, we bussing at a mark ass nigga head on sight, no ‘trigger’ warnings given foe. All these fuckers in Hyde Park telling me U of C ain’t triggering, U of C ain’t problematic, my University a cultural marxist on fuckin’ social justice and shit — shut the fuck up. If I hear one more liberal university talking about safe spaces I’m fucking beating they ass.” — Robert J. Zimmler

Students have mixed reviews about the schools new direction.

“I didn’t move here all the way from Naperville to be coddled. I need to feel abject fear for my emotional and physical wellbeing. It’s the only way to grow as an individual and life long learner.” — Zack, 18
“I expected more organic vending options. The cafeteria is just a crackhead named Ten Fingers rattling a Harold’s bucket full of gnawed chicken bones on 66th and Halsted. Sorry if that’s not ‘PC’ but it’s the truth.” — Kate, 20

And just like that bucket of bones, University of Chicago will continue to shake things up.