A Reality Check from HBO’s Insecure

*Fair warning, some explicit language is used in this piece…still worth the read though*
A Note: I wanted to share this story for two reasons. It’s a reflection that is tough to admit and it is slowly dismantling one of the walls I had built around who I told myself I am. I’m learning to accept myself, the good and the bad, and am moving forward. Seemed like a good enough reason to share. The second is that I hope this can help some men, especially black men and other men of color, to be more honest about when they’ve done wrong by someone else. When it comes to relationships our pride and ego can get in the way of being real to ourselves and others, and it can do a lot of harm in the process. If you’ve made a mistake in a relationship…own it. Even if that relationship is long over. Own it, learn from it, grow from it. Become a better man.
The story:
I recently got out of a very toxic relationship that lasted entirely too long. Several years worth of real joy, deep pain, serious growth, and heavy baggage was shared and finally came to an end. Since then we’ve had no contact and I’m sure she agrees that it’s for the best. I had been thinking about the relationship and how we allowed this to go on for so long and in what ways had I contributed to the perpetual madness.
It’s interesting how signs will show up at the right time and in the most unexpected ways. One of the most recent signs for me came while watching the amazingness that is Issa Rae’s hit show Insecure. It’s an amazing show that is doing great things in terms of black representation on screen and at the same time addressing the struggle that is navigating life.
It was a scene from season 2, episode 3 between Tasha and Lawrence and it laid out how I had contributed to this relationship so clearly that I was speechless after the scene unfolded.
* spoiler alert — catch a small part of the scene here (explicit language used)…straight and to the point*
Without giving away too many spoilers, Tasha called Lawrence out for acting like he wanted a relationship when it was the furthest thing from what he actually wanted from her. He even went as far as agreeing to go to her family BBQ because he figured it was something she’d appreciate, only to realize he didn’t want to be there and then went ghost on her at the event, making BS excuses for why he wasn’t able to make it back all along the way.
In that moment I had a very clear realization. I am the guy who thought he was being a good dude but was actually being a fuck boy…
I had been that way since the inception of our relationship. And I had been that way in other relationships as well. My words were always spoken with what I told myself was good intention, but my actions ultimately spoke the truth about where I was and how I viewed those relationships.
It’s still a tough pill to swallow because I really did think I was being a good guy. And looking back it’s so clear that I just told myself that so that I wouldn’t feel like I was an asshole.
It’s something I’ve been reflecting on ever since. I’m that guy?! I’m not supposed to be that guy. How did I become that guy? How long have I been that guy? How do I fix this? Fuck…
And truthfully I haven’t found all of the answers yet. This revelation is still pretty new. But being aware of it now gives me room to work on it. So I’m working on it. A therapist who can help me sort through my thoughts and feelings about relationships helps a lot too.
I don’t want to be that guy anymore. That guy sucks.
And I don’t want my insecurities to get in the way of my ability to have an intimate relationship with the right person at the right time.
I’m learning more about how I view relationships. Learning to take things slower and be more mindful of how my attachment style can get in my way. It’s slow progress, but it’s progress.
And I am still very much a work in progress. I’ll never stop being that. Who I was in that relationship is not something I am proud of. But I won’t allow myself to stay that person. So I’m working to be better and I’m moving forward. Not the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but I have a feeling it’ll be worth it.
So if you’ve ever done wrong by anyone and you’ve been avoiding that reality. I challenge you to own it. I challenge you to learn from it. I challenge you to grow from it. And I challenge you to become better.
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