The Shoes of Baltimore (NaNoWriMo Day 8)

“You walk around and just thinking you’re better than everyone, don’t you Alibaster! Oh you think you can just wake up and everything you want. The sick thing is you do! You do always get what you want. Your subtle mind games Alibaster. You are so charming when you need something. You could sell fire in hell. Well, cut the shit! You aren’t fooling me. I knew damn well who you are, even if everyone else can’t see it. You are a scumbag, Alibaster. How can you live with yourself! How can you live with yourself? Answer me! Answer me! Cat got your tongue? Oh you are sad Alibaster. You are simply sad. I knew you were a deceiver when you were younger. You had nothing good in your soul. You were always trying to trick others for self gain. I’m not even sure it was self gain Alibaster, you bastard. Remember when we were kids? Remember how awful you were? Oh, you don’t remember? Let me remind you Alibaster! You were 13, old enough to know write from wrong. We played basketball and you fell from your own clumsiness. You stayed on the ground and started to cry. There was a little scrape on your knee. You were never tough Alibaster. You always seemed to cry when you were younger. You were disguising! You sat there and cried like a shark bit your leg. I asked you why you were crying so hard. Maybe you were embarrassed. But I think you were just forming your evilness. You said you would continue to cry until mother came home to get me in trouble. You were such a bastard! Why would you do that? Why would you do that? Then I forced myself to get hurt to look like it was an exchange between the both of us. That maybe it would look like w were both in the wrong. I fell violently onto the ground, trying to bang my knees as hard as possible to get them to bleed. I kept doing this until I got the desired affect. Then I started trying to cry to match your tears. You damn bastard. I ran inside when mother’s car pulled into the drive way so I could add some water under my eyes. I simply couldn’t produce those fake tears you were so great at cuing up on a moment’s notice. So there we were. And what was she to think? What was she to do, Alibaster? I was so much bigger than you. Was there any way for her to believe that we really had had an equal fight? She saw the blood from each of us. I still have this damn scar on my knee Alibaster from all those years ago. Look at it! Look at it! She said he was in time out for 10 minutes. Then she told me I had to go to my room for the rest of the night. That wasn’t fair Alibaster! She always would tell a different story about who was a difficult child. At times, she said you were and she just did whatever you wanted to keep you calm and not have you cause a scene. Other times she would say it was me. But we both know it was you Alibaster! You were a sniveling, little piece of garbage. How could you live with yourself? Oh, and we both know it only got worse. You caused such headaches for us all Alibaster! You knew mother and father didn’t have a lot of money. But you would get in trouble, wasting money. Then she would have to cover your tabs, promising not to tell father of your money troubles. She would tell you to be more responsible. But that never happened, did it Alibaster? You continued to waste money. Oh, I know what you wasted money on. Or should I say, the bulk of your money. I only had the heart to mention my accusations once to mother but she was too frail to handle the news. She got angry and dismissed it. In her heart of hearts I believe she knew. I probably shouldn’t have pressed it. But why did they let you get away with so much Alibaster? Why did they allow you to be such a terrible person? Maybe they were to blame for your awfulness as much as you. No. No. No. What am I saying? I can’t blame them. After all, we are each our own person Alibaster! And those moments as a child showed just what kind of cruel monster you really were. You only cared about yourself. You cared or feigned caring about others when it was convieent for you. Yes. You never really cared, did you? You sicken me so Alibaster. Oh, how you sicken me! Did you ever once stop to think about your actions? Did you ever once think about how you were hurting everyone? No. You probably never did, especially when it was the norm in that spoiled little circle you ran in. How did everyone you know lack such responsibility? You all seemed drawn together by a magnet. Waking up each day, doing what you wanted, not caring who you hurt. That must be nice not to have a care in the world. Oh, but everything has consequences Alibaster! There are consequences for everything sir! And Karma. Never turn your back on Karma! That wench may lay in a drowsy state, seemingly forgetting her role in the world. But oh, when she wakes up! How she strikes! You did receive your comeuppance. You thought you could sleep with that student and nothing would happen? Eh Alibaster? That poor girl you were dating at the time. Well, she was most likely as repugnant as you, Alibaster. I just never took the time to know. Guilt by association type of deal. Bad apples like to hang out with bad apples. But she must have felt when she heard the news! What a terrible wagon to hitch herself. Ah, things were not so great then, were they Alibaster? You couldn’t charm yourself out of that one! How alone you must have felt. Even mother and father couldn’t initially show you sympathy. Maybe that was when they realized they should been tougher on you. Maybe that was the first time they realized they should have raised you differently. Everything seemed to catch up to you, you pitiful bastard. And for once, the world saw you as the vile creature I always knew you were! But at least, you wormed your way out of the situation once again. You somehow benefited from being a terrible human being. You borrowed money from mother and father. Well, borrowed isn’t the right term, is it Alibaster? You asked for money and never planned on paying them back. You took a trip overseas to “clear your head” you say. You actually wrote that book that you always talked about. “How I Lost Everything I Loved and the Road to Redemption.” Bullshit. That fake introspective crap turned into a bestseller. How many millions was it you made Alibaster? The girlfriend forgave you. Told the media it made you stronger. Everyone wants to buy into the image. And that was your strength Alibaster. I have to give it to you. Sometimes people just want the image. Reality isn’t always as great as you make it out to be. You weren’t going to teach again. But you turned that shit book into a movie deal. More millions. Traveling the world. You made feign attempts at sharing that wealth. Buying extravagant gifts during Christmas. Once in awhile, inviting the family on some expensive outing. But again, it was only when it fell in your schedule. Once or twice a year you made an attempt to help the family? Oh Alibaster. All mother and father wanted was for you to just call. And you did, but only to brag. Or only to complain. Never did you really care what they were doing. You only called to pitch a narrative of how your life was going, how amazing it was so it could be relayed to others. You wanted to keep the perception that things were even better than ever. Of course, that was far from the reality. This is when I started to feel bad for the girlfriend who was now the wife. More affairs. Not with students this time, but more affairs. But she made such a big deal about forgiving you, she couldn’t go back on that now. She now had to fit herself in your narrative, in your fake distribution of how things really were. Good God Alibaster, how did you get people to buy in to you? How did you get people to follow this life, abandoning their self dignity? You were never exceedingly handsome. Rather regular. But somehow, you just knew how to control the people around you. Damn you Alibaster! Destruction was your calling card. Could I have stopped it earlier? I couldn’t. You never listened. You thought you knew everything! And maybe in some sick way you did. You got everything you wanted. Even if I didn’t agree with it. Even if it was done through terrible means, you did get exactly what you wanted. Is that something to admire? Maybe the world loved you. But I hated you. I didn’t know how you could even close your eyes at night. I also couldn’t understand how that poor wife could rest her head on a pillow next to a man who had openly betrayed her and wrote a book about it. Did you even think about her feelings when you did that? And the child. Oh my, that child. I thought we were going to have a terrible cycle when he was born, but I hoped for the best. A monster breeding a monster. How many times was he in rehab? Was it 15 or 16? I lost county. Spoiled and with plenty of money. That’s how you tried to fix the problems with him. Just throwing money at his addictions.”