Well the Light was Dim in this Life of Sin

J. Delaney
Sep 8, 2018 · 4 min read

I think I like Mac Miller so much because of how much I hated him.

But me, I’m still trapped inside my head I kinda feel like its a purgatory
So polite and white, but I got family who would murder for me
Think I’m living paradise, what would I have to worry ‘bout?
Dealing with these demons, feel the pressure, find the perfect style
Making sure my mom and dad are still somewhat in love
All these backfires of my experiments with drugs

June 18, 2013 was a very impactful day in my life. For one, it was the day of my high school graduation. That was barely impactful. But anyway, more importantly, my favorite artist of all time was about to release his phenomenal sixth studio album, Yeezus. J. Cole, one of my favorite up and coming rappers, was releasing Born Sinner. While I no longer listen to J. Cole, I can’t think of my senior year of high school without imagining Power Trip blaring through the tinny speakers of my Honda CRV.

And oh yeah, that sophomoric rapper from Pittsburgh was releasing an album that day too.

If you told me that 18-year-old me that my favorite album from that day would have been Mac’s, I think I would’ve lost my mind.

I didn’t even listen to Watching Movies the day it came out — sure, Mac’s “Donald Trump” and “Knock Knock” were catchy, but I had dismissed Mac as another white guy who made a career off of accessible music, appealing to the lowest common denominator. His new album was not on my radar.

Do you know those white rappers that seem to pop up on Twitter every few months? The ones who look like they rushed back to their dorm room from their ROTC info session to record themselves rhyming lyrical-spherical-spiritual-miracle-individual in less than 1 second? That’s essentially what I thought Mac was. He doesn’t even rap fast; I had just foolishly assumed that.

But when I got around to listening Watching Movies with the Sound Off, I was blown away.

I can count on one hand the number of albums that have ever made me have such a visceral emotional reaction.

“The Star Room” — Are you KIDDING me? “Red Dot Music” — Unreal. “Suplexes Inside of Complexes and Duplexes” — Mac outshined Jay Electronica, who was half the reason I even checked out the album (the other half being Loaded Lux on “Red Dot Music”). “Remember” — That EMOTION. “Youforia” — Absolutely incredible.

And if Mars is the farthest that man has set his target, then I don’t know why I even started.

After that, I reassessed the rest of Mac’s catalog. I had dismissed so much amazing music. In my opinion, I still believe that Watching Movies, Faces (the best non-Lil Wayne mixtape of all time), and Swimming are his best work, but I finally appreciated Mac’s earlier music for what it was. Mac grew up — a few years before I did, but since I was late to the Mac Miller party, it felt like I grew up alongside him.

Depression, anxiety, and addiction suck. Mac captures them so well. So many of us battle one or more of these demons, and Mac has such a way of taking those demons and turning them into not only beautiful lyrics, but also his tone, his message, and his essence.

There are songs that you feel the very first time you hear them. “2009” off Swimming is one of those songs for me. The lyrics are immaculate, but Mac’s delivery is what sends the message home.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to watch Mac’s NPR Tiny Desk Concert performance of “2009” without tearing up. Hell, it nearly made me tear up even before he died.

Now I’m in the clouds, come down when I run out of jet fuel/But I never run out of jet fuel

He was such a unique talent. Supremely talented, from Mac Miller to Larry Fisherman to Delusional Thomas to Larry Lovestein, from his rapping to his production to his singing (which was getting better! It was!), he was an inestimably brilliant individual.

And on another note, how rare is it for someone with so many demons to be such an unproblematic person? He’s been in the spotlight since he was a teenager, and has been in the news for the following: breaking up with his celebrity ex-girlfriend (who speaks quite highly of him) and a DUI (not cool, but thankfully didn’t hurt anyone). He battled addiction, and he did so bravely — putting his own struggles out there for others to see.

The spotlight has been on him for years, and he proved himself to be a genuinely good person.

To me, my early unfounded hatred of Mac makes my subsequent love for him that much more meaningful. I have steadfast opinions (did you see me go out of my way to mention that I don’t like J. Cole’s music anymore for pretty much no reason?)— I’m a stubborn person, and I’ll argue to death that I’m right. But I’m happy to be proven wrong, and Mac proved me wrong. So, so, so wrong. Hearing the guy that did “Kool Aid and Frozen Pizza” (which is great, btw) speak so frankly about addiction and depression was eye opening and helped me address my own demons.

Nowadays all I do is shine, take a breath and ease my mind.

Rest easy Mac (with the cheesy raps).