A long period of reconstruction ahead
We separated and I got sober what feels like an age ago. We coparent the kids. We get along better than we have in years, but can still piss each other off in half a second. We live under one roof, but sleep in different beds.
I wish I knew that we’ll get back together, but I’m content to wait without knowing.
I know that I don’t want a divorce, but that’s all I know, you said recently.
That’s as much as you were comfortable saying, though it’s more than you said a year ago.
It’s so hard not to push, to ask for a resolution — any resolution — even though I know you need more time. I used to think it was just more time to figure out how you feel and to see if I could actually maintain my sobriety for any length of time (turns out I can), but I see now that it’s also about time to get clear of the wreckage of our old life. Pushing for a resolution now would be to push for the resolution I don’t want.
I know I still push sometimes, and I’m not sure how to stop.
So I’m going to write you these letters that I won’t send you. I’ll put the thoughts that I want to share and know put too much pressure on you into these letters. Then I’ll share them under a pen name for all the world to read, which sounds like a great idea. (Yes, sarcasm.) I’m not sure what else I can do because I need to process this somehow and I’m a writer. I process best at a keyboard.
Maybe I hope that you’ll read these someday, when you’re ready. You once told me you fell for me through my writing. Maybe it can happen again.
I’m not the writer or man I was then, but maybe throwing these words out into the world will somehow tip the cosmic balance back in the right direction after words failed me so many times while we were face to face. Or maybe I can practice in these letters what I should have been saying to you and what I hope to say when you’re ready.
If nothing else, maybe sharing my experience and thoughts here on Medium can somehow help another alcoholic who still suffers.
Maybe I can help myself too.