Recommended listening: Dunes by Alabama Shakes
I’m worried about the day I see your smiling face on Instagram next to someone else. I’m worried about not being able to handle the loss of the girl I went camping with, stared at stars with, got lost in eyes and kisses and cuddles and blankets and pajamas with. Now it’s 3 am and I’m fucking sober. Sitting on an uncomfortable wooden bench in the NYC subway system thinking about how to put the vice in my chest into words. There’s a knot in my ribcage holding a scream captive in my throat that I can’t let out. Because what would be the point of screaming.
Tonight I bounced between love and suicide. Tonight I laughed and had on the mask I wore the night we drank coffee and kissed on a street corner. Tonight I fell in love and broke up with you over and over and over and over and over again. You looked beautiful tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever called someone beautiful without wanting sex before you. You were beautiful… and in a tower that I used to be able to scale. Once upon a time, you wouldn’t let down your hair to me but you were happy when I climbed the dilapidated brick of your soul to reach the chamber at the top where you kept your most guarded secrets. Tonight you threw rocks at me from above the moment I found my first foothold.
Now we’re in two different bubbles. We held each other’s eyes on another uncomfortable bench (this time brushed metal) in Times Square. The cabs slowed to a near stand still and a spark reignited in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to kiss you but our bubbles were merely buttressing. I wouldn’t have been able to reach you even if I had slid my hand into yours, lightly grabbed your waist, put my nose to yours and met your lips. Because life has decided that this fairy tale is over. It feels like there’s a sequel in the works but actually maybe I’m just hoping we can get back to where we were (the same feeling I get when I see the posters for Finding Dory)
I love you. I really really do. “Just because we love each other doesn’t mean we can be together.” But that’s everything I have ever wanted. I want to believe that if you’re in love you can withstand a anything. If you’re in love you’ll fight. You’ll hold on. You’ll grab your shared bubble and not let go as the wind tries to blow it away. But you didn’t fight, you moved out. And now you’re halfway across the city and not talking to me and I’m still a little sketchy on why I deserve this.