Patience
I’m in pain and I don’t know why. I’m lying in bed, in an empty house, riding on the wave of ambient noise supplied by the fan above my head. Listening to the sound of loneliness and letting it seep into my bones through my nose and tear-ducts. What is happening in another borough right now? Who is kissing and laughing and discovering the depths of their hearts with someone next to them as their companion. These white walls remind me of the prison I can’t escape, built brick by brick by my loving soul —
You just texted me. The breathlessness in my chest and the helium in my skull just evaporated. Is that healthy? I’ve never been co-dependent on someone I’m not with and don’t see everyday.
*beep* *beep* *beep* and she’s gone. She’s off to bed with a girl that doesn’t yet fully accept her. Meanwhile I sit with a glass of wine in my hand that is going to take my down into a big black pit of despair. Having told her that I accept her, that I don’t need her to compromise for me, that I don’t want to control her or manipulate her, that she doesn’t owe me anything. But that’s not the point. Love is not logical nor is it considered. It is felt and out of our hands. It connects me to the God that I don’t know wether I believe in. But I’m not standing on a street corner howling at the moon. I’m not barking that I don’t understand how this could possibly be God’s plan for a boy that can quit as easily as he can drink. My eyes aren’t drowning as I stare at the immaculate white orb among the stars… because I think this is the plan. I just hope there is a plan at all to be honest. Because I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t live surprised that I made it to bed every night. I can’t live exhausted on the subway from the hours of lying to my friends and family. I can’t live on the verge of tears, straight-jacketed by loneliness and yearning for a love that is JUST out of reach. I can’t live fighting someone else’s love for a goddess’ attention. I can’t live. I don’t think I can live. I can’t live. I love you.
