Who’s The Boss? Exploring the Mother-Daughter Dynamic

By Nicole Brown

Originally posted on: http://aginginhome.com/whos-the-boss-exploring-the-mother-daughter-dynamic/

The mother-daughter relationship can be an exceptionally strong bond, but it may also experience difficulties as both parties enter new roles and transition through life stages. Although difficulties are seemingly inevitable, it is possible to successfully navigate through even the most contentious dynamics.

Mother-Daughter Dynamic During Adulthood

The mom-daughter dynamic is a complicated one. Characterized by the closeness of parent and child, the bond seems to strain towards adolescence and early adulthood years. This can continue in some relationships when mothers do not provide space for their daughters to self-actualize and practice independence.

Most often, mothers and daughters settle into a comfortable relationship, one that is similar to friends but still retains parental boundaries. Adult daughters will develop their own methods of doing things and ideas about how to raise their own children or families. Some of these ideas may be from their own upbringing while other ideas were picked up during their youth. Mother’s may find this a point of contention which leads to constant questioning about why things are done a certain way, or offering helpful, but unwanted advice. When boundaries are respected, oftentimes the mother-daughter relationship is enjoyable and beneficial to both.

When Mom Becomes Elderly

Many mother-daughter relationships remain close over the years and during the different developmental and intergenerational stages. When a parent approaches their elderly years, the adult child can have conflicting feelings. Mothers may increasingly depend on their children, in particular, their daughters. This depends on the mother’s level of health, amount of income, the number of friends, spousal status, and other factors. Questions may also arise as to how well an aging parent can take care of them self and when is the right time to step in.

At some point, a woman may find herself becoming the caregiver for her mother. The dynamic of the relationship has now shifted. Although the child is now the caregiver, she is still the daughter. It is still important not to “mother” your own mother. Though the caregiving role may be similar to a motherly role, it is not the same thing. When the daughter becomes the caregiver, it is important to allow the mother to retain her sense of independence and self- autonomy to whatever degree is possible.

How to Maintain the Mother-daughter Relationship

Maintaining the mother-daughter relationship can be tough at times but there are strategies that can make it easier.

• It is important to realize that people change over time and ideas, feelings, wants and needs will change, as well. It is important to realize this as your parent is aging and before you become a caregiver. With this in mind, interactions may go more smoothly and the idea of becoming a caregiver may not seem so daunting.
• It is okay to mourn the loss of the old relationship with your mother; especially for those who have an aging parent with dementia, Alzheimer’s, or any other condition that affects their memory or neural processes. Releasing these feelings can help alleviate guilt or anger and help you to focus on what you still have with your mother. It may also be beneficial to seek support for yourself.
• Realize that you can listen but do not have to act. Having a parent live with you can be overwhelming and a challenge. It may seem as though you are constantly being critiqued. Simply listen and if it seems necessary, you can explain why you are doing it your way. While repeated conversations may become annoying, understand that your parent is coming from a position of care and concern. For those whose mothers seem as if they are bordering on cruel remember that you are an adult woman and as long as your methods are working for you, continue what you are doing.
• Your elderly mother is also probably experiencing a hard time. While you may be stressed being the caregiver, it may be even tougher for an aging parent. Changing roles from being independent to being taken care of by one’s child can be a hard transition. An aging parent might resent being in this position or feel sad or depressed, and not know how to handle their feelings.
• You are still the daughter. It is important to remember that you are still the child. Your mother needs support and help but she also needs to feel like she is in as much control as possible. Ask your mother what she needs from you and if she feels as if she is getting it.

When Daughter Becomes the Caregiver

Being a daughter and caregiver to an aging parent doesn’t have to be a depressing experience or an intimidating task. If appropriate topics are discussed beforehand, such as what type of care is needed and what the mother-daughter relationship will be, a positive outcome will most often be the result.
Nicole Brown is a Marriage and Family Therapist who enjoys fashion design, anything artistic and creative and knows the best ways to travel. Email her at nabrown2@buffalo.edu with any questions.

For more information and advice on family care-giving, visit: http://AgingInHome.com