Externally Controlling Myself as an Autistic

My husband is asleep on the murphy bed in our living room. Our dog is asleep on the bed in our bedroom. All the blinds are shut, the lights are off … and I am wide awake.

My husband needed to sleep on the stiff murphy bed last night due to his hurt back. When I came out to the living room this morning to find my writing things, he asked if I’d like to come snuggle with him.

It’s cute and romantic … but also torture. When my mind is alive and awake, I cannot just lie next to someone as they fall back asleep with their limbs entwined around me. I feel like I’m trapped as my mind fills with ideas. It races so quickly that I know I will lose them if I don’t write them down. Furthermore, I know my morning enthusiasm and burst of energy only lasts so long.

So I declined his offer to snuggle, grabbed my laptop, and moved to the couch.

Normally I have the living room to myself as my husband sleeps. I throw the blinds wide open and flood the room with light. I make my favorite drink and cozy into my favorite chair that stares out at the trees.

Instead, I’m sitting on the couch in the corner in the dark, watching the clock until my husband wakes up.

I’d like some autistic cheerleader right now to chime in and say, “Wow Jackie, look at you grow. Look at you making adjustments so the other people in your life can keep sleeping.”