I Used to be Very Judgemental When I Didn’t Know I was Autistic
I didn’t know until my 30’s that I’m autistic. That made for a very confusing childhood. I did my best to fit in, and with that came listening to the rules and expectations set forth for me.
I grew up in an extremely religious Christian household, so I tried my best to be a “good” Christian. I also tried very hard in school, especially because it was the one area I felt I could excel. I was encouraged to do well in school, and I held myself to high standards. I normally worked so hard that I exceeded the expectations.
What I didn’t realize then was that I was trying to find belonging in the world by adhering to structure and rules. It took a lot of unconscious masking and camouflaging. Even then, I wasn’t successful. It always felt like I wasn’t good enough. I was always being told a different way I could improve. I continued to work really hard.
The unrelenting standards I had for myself had deleterious consequences on my social relationships. I was extremely judgmental of others. I thought they also needed to follow the rules and expectations that had been explained to me. Furthermore, I worked extremely hard to meet them, so it bothered me that others didn’t meet them either.
Although I can articulate these things clearly now, I certainly didn’t realize that…
