The Dissociated Autistic Performance State
Earlier this year I met with a friend over FaceTime. Until that point, we had been talking solely through text. We had met virtually, found we had a lot in common, and enjoyed sharing about our businesses and life. After a few weeks of texting, we decided to finally do a virtual meeting.
What ensued was much of a blur for me. I can barely remember what happened. I call it the dissociated autistic performance state, where I unintentionally mask so heavily that I’m slightly dissociated from myself. I call it a performance because I am doing everything I can to make sure things are going well. I use the word disassociate because I am barely aware I am in the state, and neither is the person I am speaking with. I’m there, making things pleasant, laughing, and doing everything I can for it to be a “good conversation.”
It’s a beautiful performance. It’s so intense that I don’t even realize I’m doing it — I’m just focused on this very intense, very stressful moment. I really want the other to feel comfortable and for our conversation to go smoothly. It’s like all that pressure activated this state in me.
Most mental health practitioners would identify what happened as my nervous system being triggered and me going into a trauma response. I’ve chosen to create a separate word though, dissociated autistic performance state…
