How to build a sleep crypt / death tomb and nap like a pharaoh.
Ever find yourself leaving one of Berlin’s epicurean delights, in the naked mid-day sun, in need of a 2000 year death-nap? Well, in these simple steps I’ll teach you how to sleep off that hangover and also make startling temporal leaps.
Step one: acquire black out curtains.
You’ll need something thick. It should block all forms of energy and withstand point-blank nuclear detonations. Like a pharaoh’s hapless citadel you must plunge your room into a paralysing darkness, the depths of which would drive men to insanity.
Step two: have a snack.
Drink that old three-quarter-full chardonnay in the fridge or embalm yourself with a pickle!
Step three: get comfortable
Some like robes, others go for an ornamental wolf’s head. 26th Century BC is coming back in and you’ll find everything you need at H&M. Find a soothing Spotify playlist — the sound of ancient winches winding, whips cracking, and the cries of slave rebellions.
Step four: sleep.
Relax, settle down, and let the oblivion wash over you.
Step five: awaken and deal with a ruinous grief.
You’ve awoken in 4015. Everything you ever knew or loved is dead (including that pesky fatigue!). You lie in a pile of mattress dust. The silence is devastating.
Your mouth will be exceptionally dry. So dry in fact that it may have been used by Earth’s last scientists to store staple crop seeds during successive nuclear winters. Eat them.
Step six: find your friends.
Hopefully, one of your friends has also embarked on a death-nap. If so, he could be 20 years behind, so sit tight and wait it out. Till then — back to the club! No lines, no tourists, no nothing!
DO NOT SNOOZE.