Two Ways to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others (Social Media Edition)
The quote above is attributed to a 1926 speech from Theodore Roosevelt. It’s a true statement, and we all see it throughout our personal journeys.
It hurts to envy. It stings to look at others and want what they have. But for some reason, we like it.
We take that jealous energy and reflect it back on ourselves. All of a sudden, the accomplishments of others start having an impact on our self esteem.
Though Teddy is credited as the father of this quote, the self-deprecating trap of comparison and jealousy has been recognized throughout history.
A History of Comparison, and Why It’s so Much Worse Today
Ancient stories and traditions are full of tales about comparison. The Bible referenced the topic of comparison in the story of Jacob and his brother, Esau. Prince Duryodhana suffered from envy in the Indian epic “Mahabharata”. The Stoics, from Seneca to Marcus Aurelius, recognized comparison as one of the main hinderances to a fulfilled life.
The list goes on. This idea has been around as long as humans have existed. The impact of jealousy, envy, and comparison on our daily wellbeing affected our parents, grandparents, and great-great-great grandpappies. It affected world leaders, revolutionary artists, and the poor and sick. And it definitely affects us today.
However, today’s generations face a new beast when it comes to the trap of comparison. Modern tools have made inferiority complexes profitable. Our tendency to compare and envy is now a tool in the belt of some of the world’s biggest companies and most revolutionary technologies, and it’s scary.
For 99% of human history, you could go years without seeing what other people were up to. There were no Throwback Thursday posts on cave walls. No vacation recap pictures in the Yellow Pages. No Twitter threads on the landline. You heard what others were up to, but that was only through the occasional phone call or postcard. People still struggled with comparison, but it was only through the small group of people you actually saw and spoke to frequently.
Today, we interact with a massive amount of people, nearly constantly. Our brains are flooded with information, images, and videos. Right now, I can open up my phone and be flooded with happy images of friends, celebrities, and influencers. Instant stimulation, all the time. That’s not how our ancestors lived, and it’s changing the degree to which we compare ourselves to others.
The advent of social media has exacerbated humanity’s problem with jealousy. We are exposed to a much larger net of people on a daily basis, and the moments we see them in are always ones of happiness and success.
We haven’t exactly figured out how to deal with this new phenomenon, but we know its impacts are real. And it starts and ends with the way we use social media.
Think about this: scrolling through Instagram or Facebook is like walking through everyone you know (and don’t know)’s personal hall of fame.
LOOK! John just received international recognition for his thesis.
Amanda just got promoted at work. Nice!
Bob is living it UP at his Maldives vacation home. Sick!
Sue’s new yacht is looking nice.
You get the point.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t see any issue with people celebrating their wins on social media. I do it myself. In fact, I did it just yesterday. It’s fun to recognize positive achievements and the fruits of your labor. Nothing is wrong with that at all.
The problem is what happens to other people when they see those posts every single day. When the people viewing those posts are not actively vacationing in the islands, celebrating an engagement, or getting recognized at a conference, they begin to get worn down. Being flooded with a constant stream of media from our peers has effects on our psyche — it gives us the constant urge to compare.
We compare everyone’s best moments to our average moments, because that’s all we see on our feeds. That’s where the problem starts.
Boredom: A Perfect Storm for Comparison
A large majority of our lives are spent in the mundane.
Cooking. Doing laundry. Cleaning the house. Watching TV.
In between those pockets of ordinary life, we experience some objectively extraordinary moments — vacations, life decisions, new jobs — that provide us with a massive dopamine rush.
That rush makes us feel like we are on top of the world. It’s a good feeling, and not one to feel bad about.
However, when scrolling through social media, all we see are those extraordinary moments from other people.
Check out my personal feed:
Going on a cruise.
Graduating college.
Trip to Nashville.
Awesome concert.
Those moments represent a whopping 1–3% of my entire year, but they are all you see on my Instagram.
Here are some things I will probably never post on my Instagram:
- Me lying in bed, being unproductive.
- Me vacuuming.
- Me accidentally burning chicken and ruining dinner.
- Me just not having a great day and feeling anxious.
These not-so-great moments make up a majority of my living existence, but that’s not what you see on my social media. And it’s the same for nearly everyone.
You would think that looking at happy people all day would make you feel happier. In reality, that’s not how it works. Scrolling through a feed of positive posts tricks our subconscious mind into thinking that everyone is having life-defining experiences, all of the time, and that is a perfect recipe for toxic, compulsive comparison to begin.
We start looking at those around us (who live boring lives, just like us) with intense jealousy. We start to hate the boring parts of life, rather than seeking to find joy within them. We try to fill the gaps with more fun, more spontaneity, and more excitement. Those are good ideas, but we can never catch up with the constant flow of thrilling moments from our social media feeds.
And we will never catch up. It’s a hamster wheel.
Each post you see makes you feel that much worse about your experiences. But we just can’t stay away for some reason.
The Battle is Just Beginning
As time evolves, humans will become more interconnected, with each other and with technology. The internet and social media will only get more enticing with time. Platforms will become more fun, more innovative, and more addicting. Learning how to use these technologies wisely is not a self-help tip — it’s a necessary tool for being content with ourselves in future decades.
Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook are great inventions. But, as with every great and powerful thing, they must be used in moderation.
The companies running these platforms won’t listen to the research. They won’t think of the mental and emotional impacts on users when designing their next feature. They’ll be thinking of one thing: dollar signs.
If you have seen “The Social Dilemma”, you’ll be familiar with the concept. This documentary exposes the twisted way that social media companies make their money. Advertising revenue is a major source of income for these platforms, so tech companies make money by making their products more addictive to use. And they know that we are hooked on comparison.
Social media thrives off of that comparison, which has devastating effects for users — but presents massive profit opportunities. The bottom line will always reign supreme.
So it’s up to us — the users — to use these products the right way.
If we are going to use social media going forward, we have to learn how to use it to fight, not foster, comparison.
Here are two tips to get you started.
Tip #1: Get in, get out.
In nearly every activity we do, we have a goal in mind.
Going car shopping? Find the best deals, test drive vehicles, and leave with a car secured.
Going on a date? Connect with someone, find out more about them, and figure out if another date should happen.
Now think: what is your goal when you open a social media app?
For me, it’s usually to “check up” on what others are doing or to look at posts from my favorite artists, meme accounts, or inspirational pages. I have no time limit in mind. I also have no idea of when I will be thoroughly “checked up”. It could be one minute, ten minutes, or a whole afternoon.
The result? Five minutes of checking up turns into ten minutes of looking at random posts. Ten minutes of looking at random posts turns into thirty minutes of watching your favorite artist perform at a concert. Thirty minutes of concerts leads to an hour-long deep dive into the worst concert disasters.
Once I get on Wikipedia, it’s over.
We trot into the rabbit-hole, every time, and never learn our lesson.
The sad part is, we look back on these never-ending scrolling sessions with shame. “I can’t believe I spent my whole night, doing nothing, on my phone”. But, we don’t remember that the next time we open a social app.
Because it’s always just to check up.
We need to use social media with intentionality. It’s the only way to control our urge to compulsively scroll and compare.
Dr. Jane Woo explains the importance of intentional social media use in this podcast episode. According to Dr. Woo, going to news or social platforms with a specific goal in mind can help us avoid doom-scrolling. The goal is up to you; it could be to learn about a particular issue, check in on a specific friend, or read about a breaking news story. And once you have accomplished that purpose, leave the app. Get in, get out.
Even limiting yourself to social media use within certain hours of the day or for certain amounts of time could be beneficial. But the specific rules you set for yourself don’t matter; what matters is that you are actively thinking about your social media use instead of being on autopilot.
This tip may seem productivity based, but it all ties back to the comparison issue. Using social media isn’t the problem; using it without a plan or parameters in place is the issue. Intentionality will shield you from the trap of comparison. You’ll see what you intended to see, but you will jump right over the rabbit hole.
Tip #2: Make a “Boredom List”.
Toxic social media consumption doesn’t just come from long bouts of doom-scrolling. It also stems from the little pockets of our day that we fill up with time online.
Scrolling social media is a really easy way to kill time. Waiting for an elevator? Scroll. Waiting on your noodles to finish microwaving? Scroll. Riding in the car back from a vacation? Scroll, scroll, scroll.
In between tasks, it’s almost second nature for me to pull out my phone and start scrolling.
If you added up all those pockets of time, you may be surprised at how much time gets dedicated to looking at social media. Those small moments add up really quickly.
Dr. Laurie Santos has studied this topic extensively. She argues that we can find much better ways to fill the time between our tasks. Each little break in our day contains potential — the potential to cross items off our to-do list, complete self-care tasks, and perform items we tend to forget. If we make good use of our small pockets of time, we can find ourselves with much more time and much less time-related anxiety than we typically face.
When I get a short break, I struggle to find things to fill it with. I don’t want to start a long task and then have to quit, and I want to use my break to relax. Hence the scrolling.
Combatting this issue takes a bit of planning. I suggest making a list ahead of time — a boredom list.
Think of some quick tasks you can complete when you’re bored. Examples that Santos has mentioned are journalling, getting light exercise, and meditating. There are dozens of science-backed, productive activities that can relieve stress and improve your health. That’s certainly better than using your free time to start a comparison addiction via social media.
Similarly, Jack Raines wrote about this topic in “Productive Ways to Spend a Three Hour Flight”. When we are forced to sit still for a long time, like during a trip or while waiting on an appointment, we have an excellent opportunity to be productive. But, we often revert to checking social media a thousand times. Finding ways to fill up these times with useful activities is a worthwhile pursuit. Some example activities from Jack include reading, unsubscribing from email lists, deleting photos, and organizing your laptop.
Having a boredom list could be the key to preventing doom-scrolling when we have free time on our hands. It also might make you more productive, organized, and focused. So, get those tasks in writing. Put them in your Notes App. Break them up between short tasks and long tasks. That way, you can have it handy for when the moment strikes.
Replacing social media with more fruitful activities in our free time could do wonders for our comparison issues. We need to break the habit of scrolling when there’s nothing else to do. During those times of boredom, we can build ourselves up instead of worrying about how we look compared to others.
The Only Person You Should Compare Yourself To
Comparison has always been one of the main challenges of maintaining a healthy, content life. For all of history, humans have struggled to separate their own “life-resumes” from those of others. This problem isn’t getting any easier as time goes on.
I hope these two tips will help you fight the urge to compare yourself to others. Today’s age is making it really tough to not do that. Comparison and social media go hand-in-hand. The two are a powerful combination, and they are fighting daily to keep us coming back to the comparison that we can’t get enough of.
One thing is for sure: there’s no positive outcome resulting from jealousy. We should be happy for others and all they accomplish, but we should be diligent about comparing ourselves only to our own previous versions. Ask yourself: is the “you” of today a better person / friend / parent / worker / sibling than the “you” of one day ago? One year ago? Five years ago?
If so, you’re on the right track. And that’s all the comparison you need.
