First World Problems

Jack Walsh
Aug 27, 2017 · 2 min read
Truly, he is a magnificient human being.

Don’t you hate it when your president is clearly a walking case of paranoid psychopathy and narcissistic personality disorder, whether in the form of an army colonel, a bus driver, or a failed property developer with steadily progressing dementia? #FirstWorldProblems

Don’t you hate it when your finance minister’s wife uses a government jet to go on a day trip, wearing a quarter-million dollars worth of jewelry, couture fashion, and ultra-high-end accessories, and then she admonishes the peasantry for not being as hot as her? #FirstWorldProblems

Don’t you hate it when your president’s son is running a hotel a block away from the presidential palace with the president’s name on it, and charging wildly inflated room rates to the country’s moneyed, regime-connected oligarchy as a form of patronage? #FirstWorldProblems

Don’t you hate when your president’s crowd-pleasing contempt for journalists metastasizes into outright hostility, and he goes after their honesty, loyalty, and character with a fury he never applies to mass-murderers, and threatens to use his power against them? #FirstWorldProblems

Don’t you hate it when you spend a year being mocked by the president’s supporters for acting like the sky is falling, only to find out the government is mass-collecting domestic intelligence on his political opponents, and that a third of the country is, in fact, a cult of personality? #FirstWorldProblems

Don’t you hate when your president makes a snap decision to throw a minority out of the civil service, entirely in order to placate a conservative religious minority whose values he doesn’t even understand, because he lives a life of Dionysian, girl-hungry depravity? #FirstWorldProblems

Don’t you hate when the only thing your president knows how to do is the opposite of whatever the last guy did, no matter what it was, no matter how counter-productive it is to undo it? #FirstWorldProblems

Don’t you hate it when the president spends all his time either using his office to run small-time scams, or threatening to fire the people investigating him for being so insanely and flagrantly corrupt that he doesn’t even really try to hide it? #FirstWorldProblems

Don’t you hate it when a corrupt and violent provincial magistrate, duly convicted of contempt of court by a federal judge, is given a full pardon for human rights abuses against a hated ethic minority, because the president hates the same ethnic minority? #FirstWorldProblems

Don’t you hate how much time you spend worrying whether or not your country’s constitution makes your president legally invincible, and if he can stay in office long enough to finish the job? #FirstWorldProblems

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Jack Walsh

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Unverified. Uncredentialed. Unpublished. Uncompromising.

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