Weeks ago, I was awakened by my aunt in the mid-night.
My grand-father was passed away in hospital.
After his apoplexy many years ago, my grand-father has been living in a rest home far away from where we live. He lost the abiltiy to move, speak and eat himself. He can only stare at the ceiling and let time to erode his life.
My grandfather has always been so nice to me. I still remember the joyful days when I lived with him in young ages. However, he did hurtful things to people I love.
I did not hate him. I know I still love him deep in my heart, although I pretended to be cool every time when I visited him in rest home. Although he could not talk and move, there were some connections between us. I could feel that everytime we look at each other.
Finally, it was the time. God has finally came to accompany him to heaven. News came with shock, but we all well-prepared for this day to come.
There has been sadness, but we all know it is good to him. Death is not only an end, it is a new beginning also.
Funeral of my grandfather has been held started from yesterday and lasted for two days. I met relatives who I had not seen them for a long time. It was also a long gathering, which rarely happened since my grandmother died eight years ago.
Family gathering has not been a good experience to me for a long time. I did not have a good relationship with my aunts, uncles, nephews, even my mother and sister..(well, at times I hope my father could disappear in my life…) I do not like to be put in an inferior position. Although I am poor, and stay under the umbrella of my aunt, I performed well academically, even the best around my nephews. I dared more respect…
My ambition is to work for the non-governmental organisation, to contribute to the society, to help the underpriviledged. Why? I found myself the most energetic when I was acting as Chairman of Biochemistry Society; when I was still part of the HKUSU…I lost my direction and momentum after the end of my term of office; and also after the failure in these experiences.
I wish to pick myself up, from the place where I fell. It was also about respect and self-fulfillment.
However, I encountered another failure in the same place. Once I have a beautiful dream. To earn my living through a meaningful and impactful job. However, I found it still too far away from me after I finished the master degree. I hardly finance myself to finish the master through bank loans and part-time; and now, I am forced to face realistic problems — to avoid personal bankrupcy.
Also, I have to support my living as soon as possible. At an age of 25, people expect me to earn a living myself, but not relying on my aunt — she has been paying enough effort to grow me up, which should not be her responsibility at all.
My mom is anther problem. She is used to spend without much thinking. Once she is rich. Thanks to the soaring housing prices in Hong Kong. We all know what happened in the Asian Financial Crises. She lost everything, but still spent like she was still in the old good days. There were hundred thousands of debts. Some are from banks, some are from friends, most are from relatives.
It seems that I was born with debts, which mostly are not my responsibilily.
I was struggling all the ways, I hope I could find a job in NGO with good salary, which I could pay off my debt and at the same times support me to live independently. However, so far the fact is that it is too ideal and unrealistic.
Maybe there is no short cut in life. If life is a line, there are curves, crosses and dead ends, before you can finally find a straightway to go.
After the funeral, I received an invitation of interview from a hedge fund company.
Will it be another dead end ? or it will lead me to the straight road?
This reminded me of lyrics of an old Canto-pop song named “Time running like water”
Life is like sailing in a misty lake. I cannot see anything far away, but I kept pushing forward by the water current.
I keep asking in my heart: which way should I go? Maybe, I should start asking another question.
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